Emotionally and Verbally Abusive Passive Aggressive Men

Do you find your partner losing his cool over things that are out of your control?
Does your partner blame and punish you for things that happen to him even though you had no role in it?
Does your partner bring up past issues to deflect you from the issue at hand?
Does your partner make accusations about you that have no truth to them?
Does your partner resort to humiliation, cursing and threatening you? Does your partner mock you, parrot you and twist your words?
Do you find your partner getting sullen suddenly and seem depressed or angry about small insignificant events?
Does he ignore the real issues that need attention and ignore them completely?
Does your partner complain constantly of you not appreciating him? Is he or never satisfied no matter how much  you try to please them?
Does he or she often curse life or others as being responsible for all their problems?
Do you find that he never takes up the responsibility of anything that happens to them?
Do you find your partner creating a world of his own and even if you show him a positive side of any matter, they tend to believe only what they perceive as ‘truth’?
Does he bring up past problems, difficulties and circumstances that he claimed to be over or had forgiven, only to throw them in your face when there is an arguement or he is in a rage?
Does he try to belittle you by bringing up things that you told him in confidence, and then use them against you to make you feel shame and guilt?
Does he show his pride in you for something you have accomplished, only to find fault in the same thing when his mood switches or you are in a disagreement

Does your partner use vulgar, demeaning language towards you?

 

Superiority—He is always right, has to win or be in charge. He always justifies his actions so he can be “right” by blaming you or others. A verbally abusive man will talk down to you or call you names in order to make himself feel better. The goal of an abusive man is to make you feel weak so they can feel powerful. Abusers are frequently insecure and this power makes them feel better about themselves.

Manipulates—Tells you you’re crazy or stupid so the blame is turned on you. Tries to make you think that it’s your fault he is abusive. Says he can’t help being abusive so you feel sorry for him and you keep trying to “help” him. Tells others you are unstable

Mood Swings—His mood switches from aggressive and abusive to apologetic and loving after the abuse has occurred.

Actions don’t match words—He breaks promises, says he loves you, and then abuses you

Punishes you—An emotionally abusive man may withhold sex, emotional intimacy, or plays the “silent game” as punishment when he doesn’t get his way. He verbally abuses you by frequently criticizing you.

Disrespect – Shows absolutely no respect for you, and women in general. He will put on a mask for the outside world, his friends and family to make himself look like the good guy, the all around nice guy, the helper, the boy-scout. But in reality, he is none of those things. He is a women hater and treats you like you are worthless.

Verbal abuse takes on many forms including criticizing, insulting, degrading, harsh scolding, name-calling, nagging, threatening, ridiculing, belittling, trivializing, screaming, ranting, racial slurring and using crude or foul language. Disparaging comments disguised as jokes and withholding communication are also examples of verbal abuse.

The passive aggressive never looks internally and examines their role in a relationship problem. They have to externalize it and blame others for having shortcomings. To accept that he has flaws would be tantamount to emotional self-destruction. They live in denial of their self-destructive behaviors, the consequences of those behaviors and the choices they make that cause others so much pain.

You will find, that even if you become sick, even with a chronic illness or god forbid terminal, the passive aggressive man seems to show fake compassion, no empathy, and will talk to you superfically and never be a comfort. He will not be your rock in your time of need. He will not inform himself about your disease like most normal husbands would do. He will not know what to tell other people if he is asked about you, becaus he wil not bother to find out for himeself. It is as though he puts on an act, tries to be the concerned husband, but in reality, he is resentful of you for becoming ill, and he will still expect you to carry the burden of the relationship even as you are suffering from your disease.

There can be a number of causes behind the development of passive aggressive traits in individuals. The most probable one is the growing up in a family or social atmosphere, where not much importance is given to an individual’s needs and wants, where expressing personal desires is not accepted and is taken as a selfish and self-centered nature. He would have parents that were overbearing and treat him like a child way into his adulthood. They have made decisions for him such as employment, relationships, education and so on. He is usually a mamas boy and is more comfortable being around women then he is around men. He is comfortable coffee clutching and gossiping. Being around his peers, other men, he feels inferior, insecure, that everyone is doing better then him. This is usually his own guilt, although he will never ever admit it. He knows he is a an inept husband and provider for his family.
Such an upbringing, plants a subconscious feeling in the individuals, like desiring something which they want is unfair and unacceptable. In such situations, children contrive to protect the relationship with their family members and friends which they cannot afford to jeopardize. As the child grows to be a man, out of a deep rooted fear, he will stay loyal to his parental family while putting his wife/partner down just to make them happy. He will likely be disloyal to his own wife and hurt her just to please the people that raised him, regardless of the devastating circumstances this will have on his wife. He will allow their disproval to come before the women he loves, their opinions become more important to him then the opinions of his wife, the women he loves. This is a disturbing picture, this is not a man by any means.

People in relationships have conflicts. But there is a right way and a wrong way to resolve them, and no matter what the other person does, no matter what a person’s “issues” are, abuse is the wrong way. Emotional cruelty and abuse are choices. A man can choose to be abusive or choose to be non-abusive; he can choose to be honest and straightforward, or passive-aggressive and covert, and no matter how hard a man tries to blame his partner, there is no justification for abuse.

If you are a victim of emotional abuse, you have to wake up to the fact that this person *does not love you* and probably hasn’t loved you for a very long time, if ever. Because the truth of the matter is, someone who can be emotionally cruel, malicious, and compassionless with people who have given him their love and their trust, is so absorbed in self-hate that he is incapable of loving himself, much less anyone else. What the abuser feels is obsession, not love.

If you find that you are having to explain the basics of respect and courtesy to a partner – if you are finding that he just DOESN’T SEEM TO GET IT, when you try to explain why his behavior or actions were disrespectful – run far and run fast. People who are capable of maintaining and contributing to a loving, supportive, healthy relationship, DON’T need to constantly have the concepts of respect, compassion, and consideration explained to them.

Just because he admits his behavior (and WATCH – some abusers are VERY good at acknowledging they did something without apologizing, or admitting there was anything WRONG with the behavior.), does NOT mean he is willing to change it, that he will not repeat the behavior, nor that he even believes he did anything unacceptable, hurtful or wrong. DO NOT take admission of an act as a sign of integrity, acceptance of responsibility, a show of remorse, or an indication of genuine caring, unless you see EXPLICIT behavior that demonstrates it.

It is NOT wrong, or unhealthy to want someone to love and care about you and care for you, and to want to reciprocate. It is only through this kind of openness that we can acheive true intimacy with another individual. And two emotionally healthy people, CAN do this without becoming co-dependent. Unfortunately, abusers violate the trust that this kind of relationship requires, and are incapable of true intimacy. They want you to be dependent. People who ARE capable of genuinely loving you in a healthy and safe way, DON’T WANT TO HURT YOU, and do not DELIBERATELY DO THINGS TO HURT YOU. They don’t play on your insecurities and they don’t wage psychological warfare on you. They don’t blame YOU for all the relationship problems, and they don’t fabricate problems just so you can be the scapegoat.

People who love you will treat you with respect, consideration, courtesty, honesty and compassion. If you are with someone who matches the abusive behavior that you just read, get help. The sooner you wake up to the fact that the relationship is unhealthy, and move on, the sooner your life will improve.

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305 thoughts on “Emotionally and Verbally Abusive Passive Aggressive Men

  1. caracaleo says:

    Great post, really love the last part in bold at the end

    • Thank you so much for reading!

      • jeanne hecksher-doyle says:

        I was married to one of these men for twenty three years, we loved each other but it just couldn’t work…..I finished it! and although I was sad for a long time it was the best thing to do, for both of us, I have a wonderful life now and am very happy.

      • SCR says:

        I came across this tonight trying to make excuses for why my partner treats me the way he does. Every single word of this – is him. I am in tears, yet again because I realize I must let go and break away from his controlling and cruel behavior.

      • Anonymous says:

        Omg everything I read I feel my partner is I love him so much I never go out I have no friends I’m always inside before I met him I was wild and fun I just turned 20 we have great days with each other every day n night without failure he hates my sister so I can’t see her anymore

      • No name says:

        Omg everything I read I feel my partner is I love him so much I never go out I have no friends I’m always inside before I met him I was wild and fun I just turned 20 we have great days with each other every day n night without failure he hates my sister so I can’t see her anymore

      • Denise says:

        Hi,
        It has been great reading all these posts.
        I am so confused and just start searching abuse.
        My husband has always been quite short tempered.
        About 2 years ago he was diagnosed with MS.
        How do you even think about leaving a man who needs you?
        We have many happy and great times BUT we have not so good times.
        Half the time I’m walking on egg shells.
        When he is in a bad mood, I hear about it. Nothing I say or do is right. Everything is my fault. He many times has said he wishes he could leave me, but he feels trapped. He is not working, and cant drive.
        I sympathise with him, but must feel crappy to be in his situation but how is it my fault. Im trying to help him, make him feel better.
        I hate when he calls me names infront of my kids. I am embarrassed for him, they will end up hating him.

        Any one else dealing with an abusive sick partner??

        Thanks

      • John Smith says:

        Do you realize the damage you cause by posting bias information such as thid

    • bliz says:

      This whole blog is biased stereotyping and is generally man hating. And all the scenarios involve pointing blame at men with zero context or any role of a woman in a relationship. Psych babble baloney that only serves to destroy relationships and make women live in paranoid analysis of her situation. How about just an article about passive aggressive “people” rather than solely men. Both men AND women can be horribly abusive people. In fact ive known more women like this than men and theres no support for men nor poorly written woman hating blogs all over the place like the crap i read about men.

      • Anonymous says:

        Stupidity, this article was directed to the women in an abusive situation,.

      • AMW says:

        So this means it is evident it wasn’t written for you. Why complain about a blog directed towards men who treat women like this? If there is not one for men then why don’t you start one yourself instead of bashing this one that can help so many women going through this. Then you’ll complain because I commented on what you said! Come on now I have been going through this and it is real and it is hurtful and it is by a man that I have loved for many years. But I am not stereotyping all men saying ” Oh yea! By the way I hate all men because this man has treated me poorly. It is to build people especially women up who are going through emotional warfare with themselves and the man they love. It is hard to leave but it must be done and it is a process. Some of us need to hear it to have a starting point and to also know we’re not crazy and aren’t the only woman going through it.

      • Treated bad by husband says:

        You clearly have to be a man or a woman with a good husband that you don’t live this everyday. I got sick in october will be 3 years because of the abuse and neglect I have lived everyday and my husband sitting with a smirk on his face as he sees me breaking. Ever since I got diagnosed with major depression episode 1 and anxiety it got worse. I dont drive so I cant drive my self anywhere I thought I better mention this so u wont ask why I don’t go myself, anyways he has never taken me to dr appointments although I tell him I have an appointment. He will lie and say we went. He has never worried about my pills wether I have some or not or I take them or not. I have told him I’m out of pills and he always says we can go tomorrow to get them. The next day comes around he goes to his moms claiming he will be gone for 1 hr and takes all day. He knowing I have no meds including my hi blood pressure pills will not offer to take me all week annd during all this time he treats me so bad and leaves me crying devastated and will go to the next room to sleep. He always wants to tell me dirty stories during sex about a person who cared for me over 30 years ago. Someone who wasn’t even a boyfriend but always tried. I get so angry at the time this is happening but he over powers me and gets mad at me and accuses me saying I make him feel like there was something going on with him back then thats why I don’t want to hear it. He says if I didnt have anything with him to prove it and let him continue. Thats just 1 example he has also done things that are not correct that involve my sister. You dont know how it is to live with someone who can be soooo mean and want the worse for u meaning not care if my illness will worsen. I was told I could put my illness to sleep if I took care of my self him knowing this he upsets me everyday on purpuse. I could be minding my own business playing a game or cleaning he will go to me to give me attitude or question me of things I don’t even know about. He does this to bring me down. He will stand over me to tell me mean things and when the kids walk in and see him he tells them he doesnt know whats wrong with me. That he just came in and found me that way. He holds me hostage in the room threatening me if I leave. I better stop there cause this is non ending, all I can say is I am 1 person and I cant talk for anyone else but my life is a living hell due to a person who is an abuser in everyway u could think of. Oh if u are wondering why I’m still with him the answer is I have asked him and yelled at him to leave but he won’t. He claims he loves me and doesnt want to be without me. I have nowhere to go no family and since I’m secluded no friends that I can ask for help. I have to admit that I have loved him all my life since I was 13 years old I’m 47 years old now. He wasnt like this till he took my sister a naked picture of her telling her that was her while her husband was at work back in 2002. Since then he is a different person. Right now I feel like I cant take no more. As if my love has turned to hate. I dont want to see him nor can I stand hearing his voice. If I do I completely break down. This is really happening to me and my husband is causing it on purpose to keep me down. I responded to your post because u are so wrong in your way of thinking and this is not in anyway sayingbonly men do this. I’m sure men also get treated bad by women but in this case it’s a man doing it to his wife.

      • Calendula says:

        Re-read the article then, but replace every “he/him” with “she/her” bad visa versa….you may get a better perspective and take-away.

      • Anonymous says:

        This article was written for straight women in abusive relationships. I hate feminists with a passion but I also hate misogyny just as much. Obviously you are an abusive individual or have a sociopathic personality to say that women should not be made aware of certain patterns of abuse. These are all valid, pshycological terms used in this article that are basic flags professionals.use to spot abusive relationships between all.genders. this could easily be swapped for I know a few women who treat their men like this as well.

      • sarah says:

        you should probably just stop talking.

      • k says:

        The article is titled “Emotionally and Verbally Abusive Passive Agressive MEN.” Therefore, the article would be talking about men. Certainly, there are women who are passive-aggressive and abusive. But this is an article about men. It is not man “bashing.” Perhaps this article touched to close to home? Personally, I found this a bit more of a misogynistic article with tones of passive aggressiveness. (look up misogyny BLIZ. New word for you?)

      • Linda says:

        So what do you do when the damage is done? When he has already made you believe your worthless! How do you live this way for so many years and then go back to your normal self?

      • Anonymous says:

        Fuck you

      • Calendula says:

        If you understood, you’d understand.

      • teresa says:

        Bliz!!!do not belittle and slag off what I for one knows whars these narcissistic evil individuals be it man or woman! It has destroyed my very being they are animals not hunams and they are great actors to the outside world which makes to us even worse

        • Calendula says:

          Here, here! In support to “Bliz!” lady. Unless you’ve been there yourself, you cannot know. You just can’t.

      • Cocoa White says:

        This does not stereotype men and try to destroy relationships. An abusive person (man) doesn’t need help to destroy a relationship. Come on let’s be mature about the situation. The truth hurts when it refers to the Abuser doesn’t it? Why don’t you pray to God for help with your issues and struggles. Then pray for others so that they can do better. Stop making excuses for others doing wrong.

      • Anonymous says:

        To you “bliz.” Just a thought, are you literate and educated? Do you have any personality or other major psychiatric disorders? I would suggest you find a doctor and be diagnosed and treated. You are not nonsensical. You are obviously the one stereotyping and hating anyone. Mind your own business and handle your hating first before exposing yourself as a true human being. You are dangerous and need help immediately.

      • Stevie says:

        Dear Bliz, Well obviously this article hit a sore spot for you. Articles usually do that when they are spot on with the truth, and the person who attacks the truths contained in them are usually who the article is describing. Me thinks thou doth protesteth too much to what this article says, so maybe you’ve been on the receiving end of a woman who said you were all these things. If that’s the case maybe you should stop screaming at the article (and probably her too) and check yourself. Maybe YOU are emotionally abusive and just refuse to see it. Then again maybe you are always right and your ex and every other woman are always wrong. No wait, that’s a woman-hating viewpoint much like your statement that you’ve known more emotionally abusive women than men?? Wow what a misogynistic view you have! Take your woman hate and find somewhere else to spill it because your opinions don’t matter here.

      • Anonymous says:

        Clearly, YOU ARE one of these men!!!

      • Anonymous says:

        Agreed ! I’m confused at th amount of difficult one party brings and nothing about the other part plays in the relationship .
        Both men and woman act this madness out everyday .

        It’s simple , walk away forget working it out life is no dress rehearsal . Life is not only about relationships it’s about living loving yourself before loving others family, giving and learning, you own space and peace of mind .
        The rest is only your expectations !
        Expect too much and you will be let down always .

      • Anonymous says:

        You must feel aggravation since you might fit the bill oops!

      • Helen says:

        Unless you have walked in someone shoes, this blog is right on point. My husband is this two a t, we have been together 47 years, and I want out this marriage so bD I can taste it, My Husband is a Pastor too, my life is hell, now he is sick, and evil. I want to walk walk, but kids sY wait mom he is sick, my life is hell, I was in car accident in August, got a broke neck, lived , doing fine, a miracle, what do I do stay or go

      • John Smith says:

        I agree these types of articles cause more damage than good.

      • John Smith says:

        Perfect right on

    • Jerr says:

      I concur. It is a great post. However this describes my wife to the letter.i have been living with this for many years . Every line in this blog is exactly what I deal with .it is not male of female. It is Abuse ,gender is secondary .

      • Zero tolerance for B.S. says:

        And bliz comes and fits parts of the article. Way to go. Did you figure that out on your own? Find a people post if you want it. I googled searched for this and needed it. Not people. I needed to know why my partner is someone else. That’s why were here and instead of wasting your time being rude and inconsiderate, go find an article that will help you. You are one of those people….

      • I wrote this post because it is the life that I was living with my husband. I do know it could be an abusive women as easily as a man. But I am a woman and I was writing about my husband. Maybe you should write a post about the abuse you suffer because of your wife, I think it would be helpful to a lot of men who are ashamed to admit they live like this as well.

    • Harriet says:

      My husband often compares me to his ex partners, saying how great they were in bed no how I’m rubbish. He will say he feels sick looking at me and how i tune his stomach. I’m a size 8, and quite pretty 45 year old woman. He has now started to push me or send right up to my face in an argument. My guilty bit I have pushed him if he pushed me and now I’ve said horrible things to him.. I love my husband and my family but feel the abuse is getting worse. He has now left but we still want us to work out.. Not sure what to do.

      • Anonymous says:

        Just let him stay gone. You’re better off. When you are in an emotionally abusive relationship, you lose yourself. The hardest thing is to just let it go. If he is gone, the hardest part is over for you.

      • Anonymous says:

        If you have no other alternative, such as he is going to hurt you, run and run. This man should not be allowed to interact with society. It is people like this who have trouble being human that are able to be helped, but until then they are a serious detriment to you, anyone else around and society as a whole. You are a good person who can escape. My boyfriend gets in my face and screams til im deaf. While im sleeping, as i am coughing with 6 broken ribs…I also now have a chronic illness to which he responds, “We all die.” Who are theses people?? He says if i want to be sick and need his help, i have to suffer with however he feels like treating me.

      • Det says:

        Omg…get as far away from him as possible, and STAY AWAY FROM HIM. Thats not going to get any better , he is an arsehole and obviously on a major power trip. He will keep getting worse and crush what little self esteem you have. …no woman deserves that. Your OWN HAPPINESS is what you should strive for. It willtake a few months to adjust but will be hell worth it..trust me me

    • Barbara Rowbury says:

      I was in a thankfully, short relationship with a man who live very close by who was/is exactly as you describe above. I was genuine, gave my ‘all’ to him and was bitterly hurt, exploited and lost money over him. I have swallowed a bitter pill and now regaining my self respect and awareness. I was in a wonderful and close relationship with my deceased husband. 3 years later this man made a seemingly genuine attempt to gain my love.This I did and he to me…or so it seemed!

  2. jenlynn401 says:

    Wow! Just what I needed to hear right now! I reblogged on my blog because you wrote such a good post! (Hope that’s ok, I gave you credit).

    • Thank you, and of course it is okay to reblog, that’s what it’s there for. So many women are in this type of situation, myself included.

      • jenlynn401 says:

        Thanks! Mine fits this to a T. However, you add alcohol and bipolar plus explosive rage disorder (yes, it is a disorder they say) and you see the hell I live in. Oh yeah, I have lupus too plus a host of other diseases. Hmmm wonder why? Thank you for this post. Hope your situation gets better. Jen

        • I tried to put as much information as I could into one post because I think this type of abuse is much more common than anyone thinks it is. It is a destroyer of mind, body and spirit. It destroys women to their very core and scars us for life. And for children living in this atmosphere of abuse, it is absolutely devastating.

          If you ever need someone to talk to or vent to, please feel free to email me any time. It is important to have someone that understands what you are going through.

      • Sparklechimes says:

        Me too! But after 35 years, and having a special needs child and living in another state from my family, having no one to go to or help, it’s nearly unthinkable to “just leave” now. One book that has helped me sooo much is called, “The Silent Cry of a Christian Woman,” by Dee Brown. It’s all about PA busbands…. to a ” T.” And extremely helpful with lots of strategies! Its wonderful and written with such insight and love. Great book!

      • fabio says:

        I am in a relationship like this . I have loved this man with all my heart an did my all to make him happy. He was so gentle when I met him so perfect. He new before him my life was so scared from an abusive husband oof 32 years . an almost died many times me an. My kids. Which now he hates but new my kids are my life when I met him. It was he got me a ring an necklace an come home all excitedOK then but now its not after 9 years. I think he is just using them as a way out. My. Nerves are shot I can’t hardly work an do my job for so much stress on me. I am even afraid he will hurt me its got so bad..I don’t have money to get away . I love him I just no its not the same with him. An god in your letter you to!d our life all the way. He can be so cold I mean hurtful cold an change so quick to the sweetest man u would no. I love him but we are fall I apart. he will get him high dollar things an hide them an me cheep junk just to make a show to not feel like he left me out. An I took to get a praise just because he made such a big deal over it an they would not offer but one dollar for it. Be cause it was fake.but oh what he got hi m was the real deal.an I have never ever when I get him anything it not be under a hundred dollar. I guess what hurts the worse is he always throws in my face always like he gave me gold even a child bracket suppose to be red pearls . sure . I am. Not worth a lot to him. Guess he spends the good money on his whores. I do not even really no who he really is he keeps all that his. An when he is away from me he changes the way he looks an dresses. He thinks I don’t no that . but I no more than he thinks an I just play his little game he has taught me well😂

      • Anonymous says:

        I’m going through this situation and this article is on point I just reached out for help I only been married for 3 yrs and with him for 5 smh thank u for this article

  3. Your post is so well written!!! You are so right – so many are in this type of situation and it is so destructive!!! 😦 Even “milder” forms are still very destructive. I want to leave my husband so badly. Thank you for writing this post.

    • Anonymous says:

      my heart breaks everytime this man i have gave my all too treats me like trash in front of his family….omg…. you are so right. people who truly loves someone would never hurt the person he or she wants to spend the rest of his life with…..thank you so much for your point of view. its awesome.

      • Diana says:

        I feel like this blog was written just for me – I can relate in every way. I was incredibly loyal to my husband for over a century and he treated me exactly the way it was mentioned in this blog. If you can relate to this post then the chances are that you’re already afraid to walk away. The first step is to know you’re not alone and find your own support group. You’ll be surprised how many people go through this – even your own friends. Don’t be a victim anymore because if you stay in that relationship it’s no longer his fault but it’s your fault. And if you have children, then show them a strong woman and a mother that will protect her children and herself at all costs. You need to strip away that power he has over you and be the woman you’ve always wanted to be and find the man that’s worth your love.

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  7. Unfortunately, this is what I grew up with in a father. Nothing I ever did was good enough, there were never compliments, only insults. When I came down with CFIDS, there was no compassion, only anger. It’s been 3 years now since I’ve spoken with him, and though I’m ostracized from all things family, it’s such a relief to not be criticized anymore for who I am and what I do.

    • I had a terrible childhood that was full of fear, abuse, anger, hostility, and total dysfunction. My father was a monster and treated us horribly, especially my mother. I will never forgive him for all the pain and suffering he caused her, although I know that she would want me to. I will never forget how he tore me apart with his actions and words, and robbed me of a childhood that should have been full of love and happiness.

      • Harper says:

        I had a similar childhood, and of course made a poor choice in choosing my spouse as well. I very much want a divorce, but am too scared what it will do to my kids if we go that route. Also, the thought of not seeing my children every day makes me feel ill inside. I don’t know what to do, I feel so trapped. I’ve been to see a marriage counselor (by myself), because my husband did not want to go. I have autoimmune issues also, and I know this situation has made the symptoms of my disease worse. Thanks for posting this blog.

    • kj says:

      Tiffany, I would greatly appreciate any insight from you please. I am a mother of 2 and my husband treats my oldest different than my youngest. He has told him he is a fucking joke, shithead, asshole, complains to me about my son often saying our son is a loser etc. Basically our son doesn’t fit into the mold my husband wants him to be so he tries to guilt him or shame him. My husband has shown signs of emotional abuse toward me for over 20 years and now that he is doing it to my son I want to do what is best for him and me. I almost left when my husband had an affair but was too scared about taking care of 2 kids on my own financially and thought it would be best for them to have their dad. Now I know I messed up and I don’t want it to affect my oldest son for the rest of his life. Any insight you would have for me would be greatly appreciated. I want to do what is best for me and my kids.

      • Karen Doolittle says:

        kj… I am so sorry you are going through this horrible situation. I am going through something similar at the moment and have been soul searching every minute of every day. I have been married for less than a year, but things are so bad I’m not sure I’m going to make it. My advice to you is this: break everything down till you get to the basics. Do you want to be with a man who calls your child an asshole? Do you want to be with someone who is damaging the self-esteem of your child? You have endured abuse for over 20 years and probably suffered in ways you haven’t even fully explored yet. When it comes down to it, if you do what is best for your children, you have made the right decision. The practical financial worries are always an obstacle, but your job as a parent is to protect your children and guide them to do the right thing. By making the move (and I know it’s scary) to leave an abuser, you will be showing them by example that everyone deserves love and respect. Find your inner strength… you have it in abundance. You have survived an abusive relationship for a long time, but you are here seeking help… think about this. He has not broken your spirit… he has not beaten you into thinking his behavior is acceptable. Don’t waste your life walking on eggshells around a broken and dysfunctional man. Sometimes the hardest things in the world to do have the biggest payoffs. Give your children the gift of seeing their mother demand a better life for herself and for them.

      • kj–I’m guessing your husband is similar to my father in that he believes his children are a reflection of himself, therefore anyone who doesn’t reflect his image of what he wants in a child (he thinks) reflects poorly onto him. But children are born with their own personalities and strengths and weaknesses, and while we can guide them as parents, we can’t mold them into who we want them to be. Your husband believes that through control and bullying he can mold him, but all he’s doing is damaging him.

        In my opinion, kids go 2 ways when this happens: If they happen to be more of a type A personality, they can adopt the attitude of trying to prove him wrong at all costs–often to the detriment of their health, because all the overachieving they’re doing is for someone other than themselves–or they can go the route I did due to my sensitivity and suffer low self-esteem and a belief that they aren’t good enough. I believed I was a failure, a waste, etc. Instead of being able to focus on my strengths and find something I was good at, I only concentrated on everything my father wanted me to be that I wasn’t–a doctor, lawyer, successful business owner making a gazillion dollars…

        The problem with these control freaks is that it displeases them to know they can’t control you, because without control, what do they have? Your husband obviously doesn’t know how to relate to your son on his level, so it makes him feel inept and insecure as a parent. I’m not sure what the age of your son is, or whether the battle is because he’s a sensitive soul, but if he is “sensitive,” I recommend a book called, “The Strong Sensitive Boy,” by Ted Zeff. There’s a chapter in there about the Father-Son relationship and what to do when Dad doesn’t connect to his sensitive boy. What’s particularly interesting about this book is that the boys write in once they’re older about what they wished their fathers had done differently, and said instead–like not pushing them in to football or certain sports, etc.

        My father is completely against therapy because he “knows it all already.” Not sure if therapy is an option with your husband. I have found people don’t change all that much unless they’re terrified of losing something or someone and even then, the change is oftentimes temporary until they’ve gotten what they wanted. If your husband won’t consider group therapy then perhaps your son can go. The therapist will teach him effective ways of dealing with his father and how not to internalize his criticisms. Trust me, it’s so much easier to do therapy when you’re younger, before these false beliefs have dug their way into your psyche, rather than try to fix it all when you’re older. I’m in my 40s and I still have my father’s voice inside my head, telling me what a loser I am. He also influenced my not-so-stellar choices in men. A girl who grows up with the unconditional love and acceptance from her father has the self-respect and confidence to never settle for anything less than she feels she deserves from a man. Unfortunately, this was (is) not me.

        My heart breaks for your son. No child deserves to be belittled by someone who is supposed to love and protect him. Growing up is hard enough, but having the odds stacked against you is even harder. Thank goodness he has your love and support.

  8. suffering says:

    This is perfect. I am, and have been for the past 16 years, in an emtionally abusive relationship. It was for many years a physically abusive relationship, but he only hits me with words now. I feel like a failure, and I fear that my children will hate me when they grow up, because I made them suffer with me. (He does’t hit them, nor has he ever hit them, but they see how he treats me.) He only offers me empty promises and apologizes. He says “I’m sorry, I promise I will be different”, and in the same breath he puts me down.

  9. Dorothy says:

    I found your blog through google, looking for some advice. I have a friend who is terminally ill and living with her husband who has been verbally and emotionally abusive throughout their marriage. She tried to leave him once, but apparently he made such a fuss that she went back and has lived a life of acceptance. Now she is very ill and he is not taking adequate care of her. He manages to isolate her from her family who want to intervene and help. He even blames her for her disease. She won’t go against him and really is too sick to do anything. Is there anything we can do? So far any attempts to help her have backfired and he takes it out on her.

  10. tracey says:

    I accidently came across this site and believe me ivé read alot on this which has helped me finally gain the strength to leave my emotional/verbal abuser of 4 yr’s.This was like reading about him to a T!Every day i felt this way for a very long time but because i was the communicator and invested so much love and time i tried to make it work,well in the end i could see the relationship was making no progress and i did not have a future with someone so cold and cruel,there were times when he made me feel so special in the beginning,but now i see it was just to keep me hanging on,he was my prince charming,he gave me so much attention and took me everywhere and we had so much fun,then as the 3 month came he started to change,i noticed he was drinking more like he told me he used to before he met me,then the pot smoking became a daily routine from morning til night and the gambling was unbelieveable,if he had the money he would do it till there was none left and then borrow money from his mother till he got more money and she would pay the bills because he was using everything else to support his addictions!It became a habit for him everytime we went out even to the shops he would point blank perve at other women in front of me,he even turned his back to me once while we were talking to ogle a woman that walked by,and in a supermarket he would look over my shoulder and follow a woman or young girls with his eyes up and down and looking back,it was so hurtful that someone who claims they loved me could do that i would cry and express my hurt only to be yelled at and being called names and screaming as he would speed in his car like an 18 yr old and that it was all in my head that he was only looking at people,i left many times and he would text or ring to say sorry and id forgive him,2 yr’s into the relatiionship he started screaming at me one day on the phone so i didn’t take his calls for 6 days,and when i did recieve a call he apologised and asked me to the movies,i went with him and stayed the night and we made love and it felt special to me,he went to work the next morning and i cleaned the house,but i had this nagging feeling something wasn’t right,so i starting checking and found a long black hair in the sheets,i was crying and went to the bin and amongst the booze and more black hair i found 2 used condoms(well i could have died)i was numb,i fronted him and his excuse was he thought id left him and he paid an asian hooker,i gave him the benefit of the doubt and started staying with him again,but i knew in my heart he was just a serial cheater as i learnt he has a history of it!I tried to turn a blind eye to all this as i loved him more than anything in the world,he became distant and when i would approach him about it,he would just start to raise his voice and tell me it was none of my bussiness,he would say he doesnt care about us and that i was living in a fairytale,he would then say i’m the reason he is the way he is and it’s my fault that i should just be happy he loves me and i would be told i don’t live and breath you,well after many months of feeling like a yoyo i stood up to him more and would express my concerns about us and how we don’t do anything together anymore,he would just say why would i take you anywhere i cant even look at people!He would have mood swings back and forth,i was subjected to him with holding sex and affection and i was abused for asking him questions,even about valentines day,he said he doesn’t believe in it,He was also sexually inexperienced and there was no foreplay or passion,i was degraded constantly in and out of the bedroom,i could be lying there naked and he wouldn’t even notice me,HE CONSTANTLY NEVER WANTED INTIMACY and i began thinking it was me until i heard he was like that with others!I was abused for asking questions,for showing too much love,for wanting us to go out together places together,for feeling neglected,i was also abused for not cleaning the house properly,he kicked the bedroom door open when i locked myself in there to get away from him,he has threatened to hit me,he has smashed my c.d’s ,and he goes to all his friends and family and constantly put me down saying im a nutcase and that hes the one being abused,yes i abused him back and i didn’t like it,i became angry for being around his bitterness and anger,constant rants and gossiping behind his familys back,and always getting out of paying child support,I was called a sl*t for standing up to him,i was called a dog,an old bag,a c**t,trash ect…ect…Ivé been abused in front of his family,in taxies,in front of friends and he has even locked me out of his house throwing my stuff out along with my medication and ivé been abused for looking at him a certain way,he did this in front of his friends and they were shocked!One new years eve he wouldn’t kiss me into the new year and turned over and went to sleep saying it was my fault we didn’t go anywhere to party and that wasn’t true,I cant tell you the last time i packed he said something that really hit me- he said-(oh here we go again the same old routine)to me that was him admitting i was a doormat and a joke so i turned around crying and said no,this is the last time your ever going to see this,and it was,i went back on the monday while he was at work and got my stuff,threw his key and left and i didnt look back!I did everything for this man and i mean everything but it wasn’t enough,i FEEL EXTREMLEY HURT AND CONFUSED BY THIS TREATMENT but most of all i feel at peace and i will never ever ever go down that road again,he was a true emotional abuser and i also believe a narcissist 100% and from what i heard about his father he was a narcissist to-,I’m FREE at last!!!

    • Anonymous says:

      Omg the way you described your situation is EXACTLY to a t what my situation was like and the way you acted was extremely the same I thought I was reading something I wrote .. Wow .. I mean wow the gambling the mother the pot the child support exact same questioning and same attitude towards me. I am shocked.

    • annie says:

      Thank you so much this gave me clarity I am so broken I dont even trust my own thoughts anymore I am a nothing of a woman 5 years..2 little boys & 85 lbs heavier…he has raped my soul sucked every ounce of self out of me..hearing other women relate gives me such comfort I am in utter dispair

  11. surfer says:

    He will likely be disloyal to his own wife and hurt her just to please the people that raised him, regardless of the devastating circumstances this will have on his wife. He will allow their disapproval to come before the women he loves, their opinions become more important to him then the opinions of his wife.

    Wow, this was the first five years of our marriage. I felt like a worm on a hook in which his family would *bite* at me. He still states that it was so that they did not get to him so they would win. What he did not know is that he LOST me in the process. I would always forgive them and him. About two years ago I emotionally disconnected myself from him. I grew tired of being loved at arm’s length.
    ( we have been married for 24 years)

    • All too familiar.

    • Anonymous says:

      Seems like there is so many woman out there that have the same problem and think it’s actually natural to be abused lke this I’ve been married 41yrs to my husband and only just realising I’m in this type of relationship too . Too late for me I guess

      • Anonymous says:

        Please stay strong , I am in the same position , x

      • deleted says:

        Stay strong , I am in the same position,x

      • R S says:

        It is never too late. Married 35 years, been together 38 years. Little by little my eyes opened up. I emotionally disconnected 3 months ago and I’m loving it!. I am very secure in myself and I love myself. My spouse’s abuse has changed over the years; nevertheless, although I’ve been straight forward with him and told him that I healing now, praise God, he says he doesn’t see any problem. He thinks it went away cause he admitted to being an abuser last year. I’ve done much research and have read many articles, both secular and Christian, and healing takes a very long time, and only if the victim jumps off the abusive cycle. I did so, and I am so happy. I’m healing so quickly. I do plan on a divorce if he does not get counseling.

  12. You wrote “He will likely be disloyal to his own wife and hurt her just to please the people that raised him, regardless of the devastating circumstances this will have on his wife. He will allow their disproval to come before the women he loves, their opinions become more important to him then the opinions of his wife, the women he loves. This is a disturbing picture, this is not a man by any means.”

    I have lived it in ways I could not have imagined, all brought to real life (like HDTV) only it was real. He still cannot understand my wounds from these several attacks over several years and says “well, I didn’t think you needed my help.” Oh come on! Seriously? “You are one of the strongest people I’ve ever known.” Yeah, but that doesn’t mean your family can eviscerate me while you not only stand there and watch, you do nothing. Disturbing? More like life-destroying.

  13. Jules says:

    I have just had the courage to walk away from my partner of 3 years after tirelessly trying to make him happy. He cheated on me with another women, lied to me and would never be honest to either of us, telling us both the same thing until I found out what was going on. We got engaged and he still refused to tell the other woman that he was with me. I was so stupid. The endless promises that never happened. The dreadful silences that went on for weeks, the vague responses that told me nothing and the verbal abuse when I challenged him and tested his integrity. The paragraph that really opened my eyes was “If you find that you are having to explain the basics of respect and courtesy to a partner – if you are finding that he just DOESN’T SEEM TO GET IT, when you try to explain why his behaviour or actions were disrespectful – run far and run fast. People who are capable of maintaining and contributing to a loving, supportive, healthy relationship, DON’T need to constantly have the concepts of respect, compassion, and consideration explained to them.” I thought I was going mad as I could not understand why he just as you say “didn’t get it! I would get so frustrated and this would end up in my getting angry which he relished because then he could turn it all back on me and tell me I was the mad one. It was the loneliness that was hard. Everyone thought he was so charming. And what did trouble me and I tried to put it to the back of my mind was his lack of male friends. He had few friends but they were women he had had relationships with or women he flirted with or made out they fancied him. So strange.
    The reason I googled verbal abuse is he is so insulting to me when I challenge him or leave. He has told me I am unhimnged more times than I care to remember. Very scary.
    This blog has been terrific as I am still struggling to come to terms with the fact he never loved me and I am rebuilding my life surrounded by people who do care about me.

    Thank you for the blog.

    • ConfusedKitten says:

      I know this is an older blog but i am hoping some of you are still active on here. Nothing hits more to home for me than the constant racking of your brain trying to figure out why he just doesnt get it! Curiously enough Jules your post i connected with the most as i am in a similar situation where the man i was seeing gave me every excuse in the book as to why he couldnt tell his previous partner that he had moved on and was seeing someone else (me). You go into conversations with the PA so sure of your stance on how he isnt being a fair/respectful/loving partner and somehow they manage to feed you a LOAD of bs without really saying much SUBSTANCE at all and you leave the conversation scratching your head as to what just happened be because you know your points you were so confident of just moments earlier didnt get across at all, somehow this person managed to dismiss every one of them in a way that left you feeling bad for THEM! He even had me feeling sorry for his ex at some points! ‘i cant tell her about us yet, she is going through a hard time, it wouldnt be right i wouldnt drop a bomb like that on anyone during a difficult period in their life’ this went on for MONTHS. yet where was the ‘consideration’ for me and my feelings when i would express how uncomfortable that made me. Funny how they have to play ‘nice guy’ to everyone but the person they are currently involved with! I had been involved with a PA once years before only then i didnt know there was actually a medical term for it, i just knew what he was doing was NOT NORMAL. Once i found myself with yet ANOTHER pa i asked to meet my PA ex for some clarity and insight (i knew this was a slim chance) To my suprise he openly admitted that after i left him for good he had done some hard reflecting and upon doing his own research had discovered he was PA (i almost fell off my chair this was a man who everytime i tried to point out what he was doing would refuse to see anything wrong with himself) we talked for hours over coffee (much longer than i anticipated) and he admitted it was a daily struggle to deal with. He is much more open with his current girlfriend about his PA problems and insecurities (something he NEVER did with me) That meeting was a double edged sword bc i know the chances of a PA realizing what they are is slim to NONE but now a tiny part of me feels hope and i know that is dangerous for a person with abandonement issues like me.

    • I am so happy that you have found my blog and read this post. I have not been active on here for quite some time because I am still trying to put my life back together. It is currently thrown about the floor in a million tiny pieces.

      • Anonymous says:

        I have found your blog during my internet searches about emotional abuse.
        Right now I know I’m dealing with an abuser. My case is so complicated I can’t describe it here.
        Most of the things you mentioned are exactly him.
        I’m having panick attacks and I feel helpless. Plus I have 2 children I must think about.
        Thank you for the information.

      • Anonymous says:

        Oh my. I’m glad and sad to find posts like these. Sad because you find out more of the truth of who they are. I left 8 months ago and with our baby boy. I am still heart broken and wonder if these posts help me or make me reflect on all of it all over again. Having to see him all of the time because of our son is making it a much slower of a healing process. I dont deny for one second my ex has any emotional problems. I know it will never be repaired. I am now dealing with the idea that it was probably never love to him. But I wonder if he is a sociopath, psycho, or just someone with trust issues, etc. I truly believe he was faithful. He was a pretty boring person and we were together all of the time. And yes I know at work he could have been seeing someone but we talked every day during his lunch and we had mutual friends that worked there so it would be unlikely to be having an affair with anyone there. The reason I bring up sex is because what made me leave for good in the end was his withholding of sex for a year! Talk about a crush to my ego. He said I love you daily but his actions never showed it. When I would bring up his emotional and intimacy issues was when we had our biggest fights. He refused to address what was really going on. I was called tons of horrible names and was once even told that he wished I would die so he could raise his son without me in his life. I was smart to know I had to leave even though I loved him tremendously. I had left four times before the baby was born and every time he played the crushed teary mess and promised to get help or at least try couples counseling. Of course it never happened. I might also add that I am a recovering addict and with all of my therapy I have learned to not pick fights with him in immature ways nor break down his character. I tried to be adult when discussing our romantic problems. I also might add that I’m extremely attractive and quite smart and funny. My sense of humor is what won him in the beginning. I became insanely insecure through all of this and of course assumed there had to be someone else. Or a porn addiction? I wanted any reason as to our lack of sex. So I guess what I need to hear from anyone is this a guy crafty and a sociopath? An insecure guy who was jealous and therefore tried to put me down to feel inferior? A therapist implied once that he showed signs of possible sexual abuse in his past. He is a combination of every disorder on the market but the pain of questioning his original loving intentions for me is killing me. Yes I can live without him and am already happier, but to feel so duped by a man you truly adored and who promised you a life of love and happiness is killing me slowly…I am terrified to think that my best friend never really was my friend or lover at all. So what is the deal? Are there differences between all of these mental illnesses? I already know i suffer from depression, anxiety, and addictive personalities so this is in no way me being disrespectful to any illness and not me blaming the fact my ex didn’t want to be romantic with me on him being crazy! Maybe he just really truly became bored. I also should mention that last time leaving was the first time he didn’t say to please come back I’ll fix myself blah blah. Maybe the sociopath in him thought the game was finally over and not really challenging anymore because I had begun to not fight back anymore.

      • Anonymous says:

        Your blog has inspired me to change my life and start counseling and search my past to why I am attracted to these types of men. You have changed people’s lives by relating to others and bringing clarity to situations expressing vulnerablity and sharing your story. I hope you find peace. Thank you so much.

  14. sunshine13 says:

    Reblogged this on Kusadasishopper and commented:
    While I am bless with a man not like this. I have seen many that do have relationship like this. Very well written please enjoy.

  15. anna says:

    thank you for your post. i was in a 2 year relationship with such person. he patronised me, twist all my words and actions to feed his own insecurity and negativities. he cheated on me repeatedly, blames me for it, bragged about it and gives himself credit for doing it. he humiliated me in front my both his friends and my friends. and i stood by him in all these 2 years of abuse and infidelities because i loved him so much, to a point that i don’t love myself. i cried every night to sleep. even now. but am getting better now and moving on. i deserve better.

  16. Kelly says:

    THANK YOU THANK YOU!!
    EVERYTHING IS SO MUCH CLEARLIER, SAD BUT TRUE.
    THANK YOU, YOU SAVED MY WHOLE LIFE.
    I AM GONNA END MY RELATIONSHIP.
    I DESERVE BETTER.
    THANKS.

  17. Kristine Mulholland says:

    Dearest, most helpful friend,
    Every, and I mean every, word you wrote here is my husband. I have been married for 16 years, and I have always been confused as to why he is hot and cold. I have three sons, and after my husband calls me every name in the book in front of them, I turn to them and say, “The way your father is treating me is not right. I want you boys to cherish your wifes, and never call them names. I only feel discust toward my husband. I left him a year ago, and my two youngest sons were actually mad at me for leaving, and chose to live with him, even though they saw his abuse every day. I unwisely came back. My husband is constantly putting us in bad finacialy situations, and uses manipulation to get me to go along with them, only to come back at me and tell me that I spend the money wrong. Can he change?

    • Hello Kristine, I am so sorry for what you are going through, but I will tell you with 100% certainty that no, he will never ever change. This is who he is, a person can not change the personality that they were born with. They can chose to change their behavior, but eventually, they go right back to what they know best. It has been almost 2 years since my husband and I separated and I am still not the same person that I once was. He robbed me of “me”, and I am struggling every day spiritually, emotionally and financially because of the damage he inflicted on my family and I. My son is now 15 and is showing the same abusive traits as his father and I am scared to death….

      • susan says:

        Hi i’ve been separated since March 2014 This man did all you’ve stated and more to me. My son is also starting to show P/A tendencies. I have to ask some things of all you fine people. He isn’t a very charming P/A whines to everyone who will listen about his rotten childhood (now his rotten wife i’m sure is a new addition) He is sarcastic to everyone. Has already lost another job since our separation. Never seemed happy EVER. I wonder if he’s making the new people around him miserable yet. He’s financially irresponsible, all his credit problems still come to this address. Is he going to get worse now? When life beats him down will he try to come back? I’ve been posting to a few sites and i can’t seem to get anyone to answer me…I don’t have any friends left..I’m handling this alone and i’m pretty worn out!!

      • Vanessa says:

        Wow!!! I can’t begin to tell you what I’ve been through. I always wondered if kids or teens who see this behavior happening will do the same thing. You answered my question. My ex-boyfriend and I were together for 5 years on and off and just to paint a quick picture. Because I refused to leave his house many times. I’m stubborn and probably nagged him way too much. Instead of trying to difuse the argument we were having. He would get loud on purpose so his son upstairs would hear. I would beg him to be quiet and as you probably know, it made him more mad!!! Well, his son came downstairs and told me I was mental and that I needed to leave. Yes, a 16 year old told a grown woman to leave and my ex didn’t say anything.

  18. marie says:

    Thank you for an eye openner.

  19. bow says:

    Hi i have read countless articles on these type of men and this for me is the best this is my ex husband of 34 years to a T, he was like your list in private with me but out side he was Mr charm himself, i often found myself trying to explain to him that if you love someone you don’t hurt them you treat them with respect, and his answer was i am a good worker and bring in the money, the trouble was he was addicted to work and it was put before every thing else in his life his other great love was his secret pornography addiction, that i caught him with over and over after promising to stay away from it, as for work that came before me when i was in labor with my second child i already had a 10 month old he told me he was going to work as he had a big job on and it was important, as for me i could walk pushing a pram 3 miles to my clinic and let them know i was in labor, his work was more important than me and his children, years later again pregnant and i labor i phoned him at 8am to say come home and get the 5 and 6 year olds as i was in labor again he said he had a big job on and could not leave work for me i would have to wait till 3.30pm he never came home till 6.30 after doing over time, left me in labor with 2 kids all day and could not have cared less,i was dependent on him so could not leave butt after years of his abuse i am now divorcing him.

  20. Dear God how did we all get to this awful place. I’m done! I got him to move out but let him visit. I will never allow it again. We have guardianship of our 8 yr old granddaughter. I will never allow her to see this insane monster treat me bad again. I do NOT believe this is an illness. He chooses every word and action. I hate him. He has publicly humiliated me for the last time. He has broke my heart for the last time. Hes convinced me I’m crazy for the last time. I’m 59 yrs old. My life thrown in the trash. Hope he’s finally happy. Why are these monsters allowed to live?? Plz God help every one of us.

    • Jami says:

      Stay strong..be safe from him mentally..and enjoy some peaceful coming years without having to repeatedly hear his negative and sarcastic words anymore. Surround yourself and your granddaughter with positives and some simple happiness. You deserve peaceful days..and peaceful words.

  21. Michele says:

    I eventually divorced what was thoroughly described in the original post, but remarried in 2011 to someone who is better, but only SOMEWHAT. I believe we ‘settle’ for various reasons & must look inside ourselves, our pasts, our ‘burned bridges’ to learn what we truly want & be strong enough to hold out for it. Never settle!!! It’s oftentimes a financial issue to stick around & they KNOW that, which is part of the power-play.

    During the previous marriage I didn’t have the Internet–wasn’t allowed to have my own house keys, cell phone, credit card or even a car. It was physically abusive on top of everything else. So anything would seem better than all that, right?? NOT. I learned from that abusive relationship at the cost of soooo much (he cut me off from friends, family & moved to a remote area so no neighbors), yet I did not learn ENOUGH. I settled for smthg half way in between. Don’t do this!! Am trying to figure out a solution to my situation, thus finding your blog…

    • oldernowwiser says:

      Michelle I made the same stupid mistake. My 1st marriage was to a somewhat worse and I jumped to this maniac bcuz he seemed like a good decent man. Couldn’t be worse right? Like u I was dead wrong. I’m so tired of paying for my mistakes-loving and trusting. I have been such a fool. Now I’m too old to hope for a normal relationship. I’m bitter abt that! I would have been appreciated by a normal man. He wld have cared and loved me for being who I am. I guess it doesn’t matter now. I will b alone bcuz a couple of worthless freaks used my life up.I am 59 yrs old. And they are as happy as they can be. Why are bad ppl so protected? Why do they get everything they want? There’s no answers to that. I have no one to turn too. I’m lonely broken and beat down. Maybe that’s why I was put here. I just dont get it.

      • Anonymous says:

        Wishing you all the best in 2015–59 is still young!! I am struggling to make this 2nd break but am close than when I last wrote. I feel positive about this new year. Being along is better than being w/an abuser of any type. Even if this means living @ a lower economic level. IT’S OKAY & all about acceptance of a better life EMOTIONALLY. Btw, I’m now 51 & still have hope, but w/no future dead wrong choices…!! Sometimes NO choice is the best, I’ve learned. 🙂

      • Toni says:

        I wish I could hug you. I know you are in pain and you’ve been so hurt by people who promised to love you. I understand how that feels and I am sorry that you are hurting so much. I feel love for you and I hope that life is happier for you these days. You deserve happiness.

  22. Christina Lyle says:

    Thank you for the article. You wrote my love with my husband , except for the part about parents. My husband’s mother died before he turned 2, he’s father was very abusive.
    Your article gives me hope, I am not crazy or any other of the names called.
    After my husband has unloaded his verbal attack on me, he appears to be relieved .
    I have to force myself to keep moving forward .
    Thank you for writing .

  23. sara says:

    As many others have written, your description of the verbally and emotionally abusive spouse is spot on.

    I left my husband 1 week ago and it must be the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I really wanted it to work and stayed with him for 9 years.

    He was my first real boyfriend and we started dating just after high school. At first, he was a true gentleman and showered me with compliments, gifts etc. We could talk about everything and had many of the same ideas and aspirations in life.

    Looking back, there were definitely warning signs. I come from a very loving family with no abuse at all which actually made it really hard for me to recognise his behaviour as abusive. I was so naive and unexperienced.

    One of the first warning signs I can think of was a drunk message on my phone in the beginning of our relationship. He went out with friends one night and I stayed in (with my parents were I lived at the time). When I listened to the message I could tell he was drunk and, at first, I was rather amused by his comments like “honey please pick up the phone….I miss you…come on…” and by the end of the message when he realised I was not gonna pick up the phone he called me a slut.

    I was completely shocked and remember ignoring him and being mad in the aftermaths. He claimed he did not remember and apologized so unfortunately I just kind of let it go.

    I also remember him telling me that I was too good for him and that he would be bad for me. Did he really know already…

    I feel like I could write a whole book about all the things he has done over the years but here are a few examples of his behaviour when he is worst:

    1. One of the worst things he ever did was driving naked (yes naked!) and very drunk to my parents house in the middle of the night demanding me to come down and drive with him to his house. He probably threatened me to otherwise wake up everybody and make a big scene. Oh how I wish I would have just let him because then my parents would have seen his behaviour back then. I was sooo scared.

    When I confronted him the next day he said he could not remember and found the incident rather funny (yes funny!).

    2. He generally refuses to celebrate birthdays and holidays. He will say it is better to buy gifts and celebrate on other days when you actually have done something to deserve it. For most years I continued to celebrate his birthday the way I wished we would celebrate mine. I hoped he would see how nice it was (he did not).

    3. He is smart enough never to have given me any bruises but when really mad and out of control he has broken a few of my things over the years. One time he spit at me and a few times within the first years of our relationship he has poured coke and water over me.

    4. When going out for dinner (he loves to eat out at fancy restaurants) just one ‘wrong’ comment from me and he will let me know that I have ruined the whole experience and he will be unreasonable the rest of the night. Sometimes humiliating me by lecturing me at the restaurant.

    5. He does not like my family and is not afraid to tell me on a daily basis. I have told him that I accept the fact that he does not like them very much (although I really don’t see why he would not) and that he does not have to see them more than 1-2 times per year- just please stop talking bad about them because it really makes me sad. Still, he tells me everyday how annoying they are and that he is afraid I am gonna end up being like them if I spend too much time with them (I do see them a lot fortunately).

    6. He hates it when I travel with my friends or family (which has probably happened less than 5 times over 9 years). He does not tell me that I cannot go, he just tries to give me a bad conscious. This summer he went on 5 (yes 5 holidays) with his friends without ever asking me- but of course I would have said yes- I really think it is good for him to be with his friends. Talking about double standards?

    7. I am really afraid of him when he is drunk and unfortunately he goes out with friends about once per week. Thank god he does not drink on a daily basis. He always gets a black-out so were a talking about a serious binge drinker.

    He usually leaves the house around 7-9 pm and does not come home until 4-7 am. I cannot even start to explain how annoying and threatening and yet somewhat loving (scary) he is when he gets home drunk. He usually keeps me awake a few hours before he will pass out to my huge relief. I am so afraid that one day he cannot control himself that I actually hide our biggest knifes before going to bed.

    I have tried video taping him and his behaviour to document it and show it to him when sober. He simply refuses to watch the video and start apologizing instead.

    8. When my best friend visited us, when we were living in another country, he acted cruel and did not make her feel welcome at all. He told her he thought it would be better if she would stay at a hotel than in our guest room. I was so furious and moved out for the rest of the duration of her stay and stayed with her at a hotel.

    Of course he blamed me afterwards for taking her side.

    There are so many more examples but ahh felt so good to share just a few of them.

    I guess what he does most is: angry outburst for no reason at all, blaming me for stuff I have nothing to do with, name calling, showing complete lack of empathy, poor economic judgement, making promises of change he never intends to keep, finding it hard to be happy for me…

    I think I am quite difficult to control but when he succeeds it is because he knows I am a very private person that does not share much of my private life with others. I have always been like this- so a perfect victim actually. However, I finally broke that pattern when I left a week ago and told my parents, not all, but at least some of the incidents.

    Since the separation is very new I am so confused in my head. He is still somehow my best friend and we really did have a lot of good times also. Although the exampels above may not show it, I am actually quite intelligent and have a lot of confidence in myself. I have my own business, is in control of my own finances and feel overall quite strong.

    Yet I find this situation so difficult. I am so afraid to ruin my husbands life and really wish him all the best. I am also afraid of his reaction to me leaving since he has not contacted me yet -other than sending one small gift and a card where he thanks me for our time together. Somehow, I don’t buy I get away that easily.

    I just hope that I can stay strong and go through with the divorce. In my weak moments I begin to doubt if he was really that bad (but then I should just read my own post again, right?)

    Any thoughts about my story is welcome. Thanks.

    • HOW DID U LEAVE HIM WHAT WAS THE MINDSET THE DAY U LEFT? I must say u are a strong woman and did what wws best for you. How though? Been with mine for four years and My mother was all i had here in Texas but she died 5months ago and all i have familiar now is him and his family. I have a job a good one yet still i have never been on my own. Hate to admit it but i have always jumped from one relatiinship to another being alone terrifies me. I am 35 now and him and i beat opiut addiction together and been clean for 5 months now. I have blossomed into a beautiful, confident, intellectual, even respectable woman. Since i have blossomed he has gotten much worse. Even jepodizing my promotion at work By making me chose between him or my job. If i try to defend nd my job and all the hard work ive put in he gets mad wnd says i am screwing somebody not really working. Wants to see my time sheet with my hours on it. Its exhausting and i am becoming so depressed. I have no children with anyone but i would like at least one but i wouldn’t dare while in this emotiinally draining relationship. My co worker (woman) needs a roomate and asked me. But she needs an answer by this week. Please give me some helpful advice on how i actually leave cause i know thats what i have to do but how??

      8

    • lola says:

      Thank you….I am in this situation right now….It is a tangled web, we are engaged and we live with my brother and my best friend from another country and last night was the first time he grabbed me this morning he scratched me as I walked away and because he was being emotionally abusive. Then bought me candy…..GOD i dont know waht to do!

  24. Heartbroken says:

    Every word that has been written here sums up my husband and our life together.I put up with his behaviour because sometimes he was kind, loving and attentive but not for long. Like a fool I convinced myself that things would get better, one day he would change he would become older and wiser and and our marriage would improve. 40yrs later it all ended with him having an affair lying to me about the actual details and losing his job because of it.He became a victim of his pa , full of guilt he wanted to talk to me but couldn’t because I stopped wanting to talk to him a long time before.So the relationship he rejected so many times became the thing he needed to help him overcome his guilt and the devastation of losing his job (which he loved). 18months later he died and no doubt his pa behaviour, his guilt, his fear of me finding out the truth and losing his family contributed to his illness. His legacy to me? knowing I sat by all those years waiting for things to get better instead he cheated I found out the truth 2 days after he died, living with unanswered questions, doubting myself and my opinions, not trusting my own judgement, grief for a life I could have had if only I had stood up to him or left. Basically how he treated me in life continues after his death, the only difference is I don,t have to put up with his moods silences or constant tension in the house. Please to all of you out there living with a pa. LEAVE do not get to 61yrs old alone and betrayed unable to make sense of your life for the past forty years and how your marriage finally ended. DO NOT BECOME ME!janices_letters@yahoo.co.uk

  25. anita says:

    Thank you.. ..your store are on the Mark.. ..described my husband perfectly. …except one thing he will make up stories about me to his friends, very absurd ones.. ..he will sober up for a month or two then start drinking again, thank you for this, seeking a attorney.. …I battled advanced stage breast cancer, and your later are so true.. ..again thank you

  26. Kristina says:

    I am currently homeless with literally NO other options and staying with my partner of 7 months on and off. He fits the above description perfectly. I love him but hate when he does these things which are now constant. I need to leave and find another place to live but have no money. I don’t know what to do. Soon he will come into the bedroom where I am and apologize, if not tonight then sometime tomorrow. Or he will pretend like nothing ever happened. I can’t continue in this cycle with him but I don’t know what else to do. He goes overboard constantly trying to show me how stupid and ignorant I am but it just shows his own stupidity and ignorance. His mood swings are worse than my diagnosed extreme bi-polar and I am sick of beinf a fucking victim with him. He claims that I never clean and feed him when that’s all I do!!! I iron his work clothes and straighten up the house. I have nothing physical to offer but myself. I make him big meals and entertain his company all the time. I bring him food to work and I make him smile and laugh. He is an introvert and barely opens up to anyone. And never on a significant level. I am losing faith quickly. I am a 23 year old mother of four who are with my godmother while I am in this pinch. Also, I am a recovering alcoholic with a year and a half of sobriety and attending daily AA meetings. I have tge tiniest support network and all of them are incapable of assisting me with temporary housing. I’m lost.

    • Is contacting a women’s shelter an option for you? At 23 you sound incredibly self-aware. You see the problems, but you’re stuck. You’re also dealing with 2 very challenging conditions–being bipolar and a recovering alcoholic–and stress only makes them worse. You are not a victim. You sound quite strong actually. A year and a half of sobriety is something to be very proud of!

      If talking to someone at a women’s shelter isn’t possible, perhaps try talking to people who can lead you to more options. For example, the person who runs the AA meetings, or going to the welfare office to see whether they can offer you emergency housing, a priest or pastor, therapist, etc. Sometimes just telling someone, “Hey, I’m out of options. This is my situation. Do you have any suggestions?” can lead to a door opening.

      Good luck and stay strong!

  27. T. M cCumber says:

    Wow! I really need to open up my eyes and shut down my heart cause the man I have been with for 4 years is every single one of those things listed above. I get called names’ blamed for all. Past mistakes thrown in my face. Makes us stuff up to be mad at me, always thinks i am up to something, acts normal.and happy around others except me, unappreciative, never satisfied, cannot TALK about my feelings or anything cause ends up in arguement, turns any positive into negative. How do i deal with this?
    However he was next to me and finacially took care of us for three years while i didnt work, instead he said he wanted me to be with my mother cause.she was dying… He was so grewt through it all. We beat addiction together. But now i need his respect and love more than ever yet he will not stop disrespecting Me. Will he ever change? I have a female co worker that needs a.roomate and asked me to be her roomie , What would be the best move for me to suceed and he happy ?

    • Jami says:

      Please if you can afford it and she is a positive roommate . .supportive..go and be free..enjoy some peaceful time not being blamed..and being able to breathe and find and enjoy who you are. A healthy man..respects us from the very beginning and does not put us through any kind of crazy or irrational thinking..a true respect is always freely given..post positive sayings..positive words..around you where you can see and read them everyday for awhile..move forward..live..and only look back on it all as experience and wisdom..for that is exactly what it is.

  28. brenda says:

    Must read testimony!! I was having serious relationship problems with my boyfriend and it resulted in him moving out to his friend’s apartment. Everything got worse because he started going to bars and strip clubs frequently with his friends, getting drunk and passing out. He always threaten me on phone whenever I call him because of all the bad advises that his friends are giving him. I really love him and we have been dating for 4 years which gave us a beautiful daughter. I have also lost a lot of money on therapists until I was introduced to Dr Mutuma, a powerful prophet by a friend whom he helped to get pregnant after 8years of marriage; this gave me total confidence and strength to get him back. I did all he asked and after 48 hours my boyfriend called me and rushed back home, things just changed between us emotionally. He secured a good job and stopped drinking and keeping irrelevant friends. It’s a miracle I never believed was possible because I had lost all hope until I found Dr Mutuma. So that’s why I promised to share my testimony all over the universe. All thanks goes to Dr Mutuma for the excessive work that he has done for me. Below is the email address in any situation you are or undergoing a heart break or any disease/sickness problem I assure you that as he has done mine, he will definitely help you too. (drmutumahouseofsolution121@gmail .com) “He always keep his word”

  29. Natalie says:

    This is exactly what I’ve contended with for the past 4 yrs and counting.My situation is somewhat more complicated. I’m on the road in a semi with this individual (my fiance) 24-7.365 days a year.My life is isolated, I really have no one to reach out to.I read so many self help books, I pray, I read my bible.I try so hard to remain positive but I know he will never change nor is he capable, it’s been 4yrs..I’ve become really ill; there is upcoming biopsies etc for me..I’ve hurt a lot and still do everything for him just to please him to make him happy.I put my needs aside.Even Ill he is heartless unless I do or say everything his way.Im exhausted emotionally and physically.My hopes is to become stronger and walk away from what causes me painfull grief within.This article helped me to understand how I can never be happy if I remain with him..Thank you.

    • Jami says:

      Please find a way to get away and live peaceful. You deserve to be respected and cared for. My son shares this..people worth crying over..are not the ones making you cry..very special and very true.

      • Natalie says:

        Thank you so much, I truly appreciate your reply. Very well said and oh so true.It gives me something to think about and will keep it tucked away in my journal to reread as needed.May you have a wonderful day.With much gratitude; Natalie

      • Jami says:

        You are so welcome..breathe and find peaceful..when he attempts to repeatedly ruin those feelings..remember I am there and so many others..supporting you..and giving you strength and wisdom..

  30. wendyhaw says:

    interesting – how us females we seem to accept a husband who says he loves us but can put us down all the time…I have made excuses now for the last 5 – 8 years for a husband who seems to blame me for everything he has two sides the socially fun loving everybodies friend to the one I see and of course people that comes into our house or on holiday with us …the one who will kick me under the table if I say something he does not like to the mental abuse name calling etc. why don’t I leave because this is my home …he should leave but after years of debt which we will see an end of in five years this will give me the freedom to get rid..At this time the grandchildren will be old enough to understand a breakup…I will let him leave and no doubt end up up in a sluts house in my own home town and good riddance …

    • Jami says:

      You are strong and very aware..you have a five year plan . .yet if given the opportunity he needs to go much sooner..the few words you shared right before they ended with good riddance…yes he will definitely be a good riddance…your ability to have..strength..wisdom..perspective..ideas..and the ability to find an outside humor of your very own..are all survival techniques whether it be for a five year plan..or the next five days.

  31. Vanessa says:

    Glad to see this blog is still active. I can’t even begin to tell you all my story but I guarantee it’s all too familiar. It’s like Live HDTV. It’s only been 3 days since he’s kicked me and my kids out of his house. This wasn’t the first time. In fact, it’s been 3 or 4 times within the last 5 years. This time, his son (16) moved back because he couldn’t stand living at his mother’s anymore. What I have a hard time understanding is, my boyfriend at the time (last week), told me he defended me. His son asked him to make us leave but he stood up for me and told his son, we live there too and nope we’re not leaving. This was last Monday. Shit hit the fan my Thursday over something small and I was told I was insensitive to his feelings after coming back from a Funeral and it wasn’t someone he knew personally either. I thought he was just upset with me. He called me heartless and said I don’t have any feelings. Things didn’t get better the next day. I kept apologizing to him trying to tell him I misread him but he didn’t let me explain. He told me to shut up and leave him alone. By Saturday, things seemed to get better. We were going to go out to dinner and enjoy some alone time after fighting for a while. Things didn’t go as planned. He comes home from dropping off his son and he looked visibly upset. I asked what happened and he says his son asked him what we were fighting about and I’m sure he tells him word for word. He flat out says to me, his kid was right all along and his family. I’m have manipulated him time and time again and he was a fool. How could he not see it, he had to put an end to this and he won’t lose his family over me anymore and I’m not worth it. He also blamed me entirely for his kids not wanting him to be with me and why his daughter (18) has ignored him for years (but will ask him for money).

    I don’t know why I want this guy so badly? When I first met him, I actually didn’t like him too much. I was actively dating different people. He was persistent and got my attention. I gave him a chance and I ended up really liking him. Things were great, our kids got along and within a year we all moved in together. My kids were 4 and 6. His kids 11 and 13. I want to be transparent about my relationship with him. He wasn’t necessarily mean to me in the beginning. I remember being so happy and this was my ultimate goal…to have a family again. I finally felt at home.

    Things seemed to be everything I dreamed of. When things were good, I was on top of the world. We had great sex, and we loved taking on the world together. Things didn’t start getting bad until our first break-up which was a year into me moving in. I can’t really pin point what it was that made him kick me and my kids out the first time. All I remember is he did this in front of his kids and it immediately made me look like the crazy one. I was humiliated in front of his kids.

    I was doing well on my own and this was a common occurrence every time he would kick me out. A few months of being single, he called me on Valentine’s Day completely unexpected. Can you imagine how happy I was!!! I would be doing well own my own and he somehow found me again. I thought wow, this must be fate. We belong together!! We would get close and we still argued about the same things. Break up again and one time we went 1 year apart. He found me again. I was feeling fine but there was something about him and I spent a lot of my year apart missing him. I got on his case a lot about his ex-wife and why he kept supporting her. All she had to do was tell him she couldn’t afford something and he’d give her money. This was a constant thing and I couldn’t understand why he was not telling her to support herself. The money was for the kids but in my relationship, we split everything in half. His relationship, nope. He wanted to take care of everything. She depended on him and he gave her money on a regular basis. Over the years, she did get better but not by much. I was always so upset about it and we had fights constantly about why she couldn’t hold up her half. Eventually our fights over the years would get worse and worse. I can’t remember when it started getting worse. He would tell me I’m just like his ex-wife or better yet, I was her!!! He would say this often. Or he would tell me how lucky I am to be with him and any woman out there would love to have what I have and how ungrateful I was for what he provided for me and my kids. I hear this over and over again. I started to believe it and it terrified me to no end wondering “OMG!!! if he leaves me some other woman is going to be so lucky!!!” It made me sick to my stomach constantly.

    All I know is eventually, he would never fight fair. He would hit below the belt everything. I couldn’t tell him to shut up and if I did, there was hell to pay!!! But he could tell me what to do and how I was feeling even though he was incorrect. I couldn’t call him out on it. We fought so much and sometimes I don’t even know how it got from a little bit angry to mad at me for days. He would tell me to go away and leave him alone all the time and I was never able for whatever reason. He’s right, I could never just let him be and cool off. Each time, I was deadly afraid he would leave me. To the bitter end, I still didn’t leave him alone. I still want to be with him. Call me crazy!!! This time he told me, he’s going to date around and maybe screw a flight attendant if he wants to because now he’s not with me and CAN!!! I can’t believe he can just forget our 5 years together just like that. I feel like I’ve been hit by a freight train. Blindsided. How could he forget about all the good things I’ve done for him, all of our fun adventures, how we mesh so well together???!!!

    How could he blame me for EVERYTHING??? EVERYTHING??? Not once did he take responsibility. He blamed me for his kids not wanting to be with him because he choose to date me. When they kept telling him I was crazy and psycho. In my defense, one time, I was soooo fuming angry I broke the glass window in the front door by pounding on it constantly because he locked me out. I’m sure you’ve already concluded what he told his kids. His family thinks I’m psycho for standing up for myself and refusing to leave and being livid angry.

    Thanks for letting me vent…..I feel so much better but I know the road to recovery is going to be long.

    • Vanessa says:

      I forgot to add one VERY IMPORTANT piece. He’s a full blown high functioning alcoholic. He’s got a very important job and people respect him. I don’t anyone knows. He drinks before, during, in between, all day. He can finish a bottle of vodka in 3 days. He also has a six pack or more daily.

  32. beingfit4me says:

    My father was like this, verbally and physically abusive. I married a man that is verbally abusive a lot like my father. While he can be very sweet and will do anything for me, but he likes to feel superior. We can’t have a serious conversation because he makes it all about him and makes me feel like I’m crazy, stupid and selfish. Ive dealt with this for 7 years and he has written horrible horrible things about me after I told him I wanted a separation. Now I know how he really feels about me, even though he is acting extremely nice to me. I’m assuming this is a way of controlling me and thinking that I will stay. Its hard to get past the fact that we have 2 children together and that he will do anything for me and we have fun together as a family, but between making me feel like anything I do is wrong and that I read all kinds of things he wrote about me that made me feel horrible I just don’t think I can stay.

  33. inspirationalsongs4peace says:

    This readings talks 100% about my husband for twenty years whom ever the author of this story hit every line with a very true statement as though the abuser which is myself the wife being interview. And now I can use this format to talk with my counsel. Thank you for sharing light on my life because I’m the ABUSER!!!

  34. Anonymous says:

    Woooow, this is such an accurate description of my husband! I tried seeking help but could not come up with words that could clearly describe his behavior. This has been very helpful. Thank you.

  35. Laurie Yair says:

    I am a 55 year-old married but separated from my abusive husband of 23 years. Actually, my 20 yr-old daughter became violent nearly two years ago as well and she wanted revenge..When she started driving my husband crazy he threw her down to the floor but he told the police he was simply defending himself against a “sick” girl. .My husband has been telling her since she was small, when she was abusive in the beginning, that I am a bad mother for havg taken her to the hospital, for forcing her to take medicine and to get therapy. He tried to get psychiatrist after psychiatrist to sign a paper saying my daughter is healthy. She finally stopped taking the meds 2 years ago and because of the horriffic OCD which started all over again, and becauseshe was revengeful and violent, I had to leave the house. After six months I suddenly called my husband. I have been trying to convince him to get help. He says the classical things, denying and all. A few days ago, when I felt strong when I was trying to convince him again, and when I told him that if he respected us and cared about us he’d get help. I told him that we have been suffering for many years and that I will not go back to it. He says to me, “no conditions”.

    I am trying to find another way for him to take responsibility for his behavior..I am depressed because I think I’m dreaming up some fantasy I am learning that before anything else, a woman has to learn to accept herself…I have never accepted myself but I am realizing and trying to work on it. I also know, that an abusive man won’t succeed being abusive with a strong woman, only with a weakling.

  36. Emma says:

    Thanks so much for this article. I am supposed to be getting married next year to someone I have only been with for 18 months and there has been that nagging feeling over the last few months, I thought it was the strain of planning the wedding or that he was feeling too penned in.

    My partner sulks all the time, we literally talk for one or two days of the week and the rest of the time he wont talk to me or open up. I always wondering and questioning what I might or might not have done and undoubtedly get the ‘Im fine’ and ‘nothings wrong’ response. Then after days/weeks of putting up with it i eventually confront him and he acts all surprised that i am upset, making out that i am over reacting.

    If i buy presents or do something romantic he’s looks at me like i have handed him something revolting and doesn’t thank me. The other day i bought him a gift and he refused to take it out of my hand, i told him i bought him a present because i love him so much and he said why?!

    He thinks he is a victim all the time. I feel like i have been living with Eeyore with the constant negativity and criticising the little things. Or putting me down in front of other people by joking, if i say i dont like it he says ‘cant you take a joke, you know im not serious’

    Hopefully I can stop this ridiculous behaviour, now i know what it is i feel i should try, i know everyone says they dont change but i think i should try?

    • Susan says:

      Hi Emma…i’ve been trying to write this post to you for days now…You can’t fix this guy…He sounds exactly like my husband during the 16 years of our relationship (2 dating 14 married) .This is how he was even at the beginning of it, before i married him. It only gets worse. This man you’re engaged to planning a wedding with..and an eventual life with, is damaged to his core. This is supposed to be the most exciting time of your life, and he’s robbing you of it. He shows signs of being a Narcissistic Passive Aggressive!! Once we let them get away with little things..they ramp it up to bigger and bigger things…It’s called managing down your expectations. One day you’ll notice like i did..you’re doing everything to keep the peace, and nothing is working. I spent the entire decade during my 40’s in physical pain, i couldn’t get out of bed, i felt angry all the time, He created crisis after crisis…He used the silent treatment on me everyday..He was killing me from the inside out! Walking on eggshells does not describe how bad it was…more like walking on broken glass with barefeet.. It’s hard to get out of one of these relationships once we get ourselves into them!!! Save yourself from this, get away from him….find someone who will respect you, love you, cherish you…..I’m 50 now…i’ve been free for about 15 months…i’m just starting to realize i was worth more then that. I hope you understand that before you marry him..rather then getting yourself to believe it after he’s ruined you!!!!

      • Anonymous says:

        Hi Susan,

        Thank you for replying to me, and for trying to make me see sense!!! I know that I am in denial and must be in fairytale land if I think I can ‘correct’ this behaviour. O the silent treatment, everyday, day-in-day-out, I annoy myself with repeatedly saying whats wrong? are you ok? Whats happened? and always getting the ‘nothing’, ‘i’m fine’ and then silence for days… especially if i have spent money, or want to go out – he’s never said i cant do something, but he doesn’t need to, he will just pull a disapproving face and question me repeatedly making me question my own actions and start to wonder if i have unreasonable in anyway!

        I am glad you are free and thank you for your kind words. There is only so long i can be invisible and have the sweet and will do anything for me one minute and then the silence and the attitude the next. We can’t have a serious conversation or talk about feelings because he makes it all about how i am a terrible person, or that I am just hyper sensitive or crazy. I tried to leave him a few weeks ago when things got out of hand, he was a changed person for a good 24/48 hours when he realised i was seriously out the door, but then by the Friday after that he was up to his old tricks. Its all mind-control and games. The more posts i read on here the more i know that its not me, and I am relieved!!

        Emma x

      • Emma says:

        Don’t know why that said anonymous then! But its me! Thanks for your reply Susan x

      • Susan says:

        Emma
        They aren’t capable of any real long lasting change. Even you reporting on here that within 24\48 hours he was back to “his” life as usual you freed yet another string that emotionally attachs me to him..Thank you!!! All i can tell you is there will come an event or a circumstance that your rational mind can no longer smooth over so you can live with it…and you’ll be done with him. I stayed till i knew for sure i wasn’t going to let him back into my life or wonder ever again “what if” !!! Stay strong!!! 😉

    • Barbara says:

      Emma, I hope you didn’t actually go thru with the wedding plans. When you said, “putting me down in front of other people by joking, if i say i dont like it he says ‘cant you take a joke, you know im not serious’ ” I recognized this as dismissive behavior by him and refusal to be accountable for his actions. This is unlikely to change, except for the worse !

  37. yadav1309 says:

    As I completed reading the above blog post, I realised that it is exactly what I have been going through. My husband has been verbally,emotionally and physically abusing me all this while and I was still into the marriage because I had thought that my love would change him for good. We have been married for the last 6 months. when I could not stay in the relationship, I came back to my mother’s house. I thought over it for days. I cannot forgive my husband for emotionally abusing me to an extent where I cannot think of anything else than suicide or walking away from everyone.

    • Missy E says:

      Hi I came across this blog when googling on how I why my husband would mock me to others for having such bad depression. If you need anyone, I am here for you. I have left my husband for the second time. He lets his family abuse me he has done everything in this post, and I am feel like I can’t get any lower than I am and don’t think I have much to live for anymore. I wonder if it’s me that is the common element. I have given him the good fertile years of my life, and given so much and it’s broken my heart for me not say to him that if things didn’t change one day, I would leave: well he couldn’t get me out the door quicker. I’ve lost a baby to him before, when I left him before we got married. Since we have separated, he has disrespected me to his family and it hurts me so much to see and hear him so this. He would not leave the house, he made me find somewhere to go and now I pay more rent than he pays on the mortgage for our house. Financially I’m broke and don’t know what to do. I love him so much and can’t imagine life without him, he thinks I’m pathetic for being so weak and dependent on him. I’m trying to be strong and keep going. I’m falling a part though and my work is starting to be affected. My boss suggested I take some time off, but if I do, I won’t be able to pay my rent as I do not have much leave left. Ali want to do is sleep and cry: I have lost so much weight and I’m an anxious wreck. I don’t want to tell anyone my problems but I need help. I feel so alone and I’m so ashamed for failing in my marriage. Xx

      • Missy E says:

        Sorry about my grammar and poor sentence structure- I’m a bit of a mess. I just wanted you to know, that in this world, you are not alone. I too shed tears but as women if we can unite in some way and know that our burdens are not carried alone, then maybe we can find some solace in our day to day lives xx

      • Emma says:

        You’re not alone, if there is one thing i have found over the last week or two is that there are loads of us in the same boat that are desperate to get out, you shouldnt be ashamed, be proud for walking away! I am in the process of going through a break-up, with him telling his family that i am crazy and making out that without him i wouldn’t be able to do things!! Its just to have some control over you. You’re not weak for being dependent – thats the game, thats how it starts , chip, chip chipping away at your self confidence and self-respect and making you think that you are not the person he thought as if you have let him and you down. It makes me so angry, but everything you have said i felt to, and its normal and he is the failure for not loving you and for being a passive aggressive! BUT you are not weak and you are not alone Emma xxxx

  38. Cheri says:

    I need help. I am so confused & heartbroken & feel unable to cope with anything at all. I’m so tired of crying..

  39. Emma says:

    I am busy leaving my fiancé after the last time of embarrassing shouts of verbal abuse and physical abuse. I never in my life thought Id be one of ‘those’ woman that is in a unhealthy abusive relationships. (No one would ever even know, I hide it all so well behind a perfect smile) I always use to judged abused woman, saying foolish stupid things like “these woman are so pathetic, how can they not leave their husbands?” Or “they must enjoy it” ……until It happened to me.

    I adore and love my fiancé so very much. He has such a big heart, supports me, takes care of my needs, buys me nice things whenever he can afford to, supports my dreams, loves me, everything I though I wanted in a husband…but inside, Im always a nervous wreck, because I know- that when the next trigger would come, whatever it will be….when he would become the person that is so uncontrollable…when you have to be his verbal abusive punching bag throughout the night, and the next morning, all should be well with a simple… Im so sorry.
    ALL the amazing times, everything we are, everything that we have been through, conquered, the love…. All destroyed in one single night, and then it all starts again.
    Breaks my heart!!!! It takes a strong woman to walk away…….

    • Emma says:

      Hi Emma – it takes a very strong woman to walk away, i take my hat off to you, i cant just yet, probably because i am not as strong as you. I thought the same as you about ‘those women’ how could they stay, and now i am one, and its trickery as to why they stay! One minute you are treated like a queen and then you are ignored, and are faced with back handed comments and a sulky child! Good luck with getting out

      Emma x

  40. Anonymous says:

    that’s me on alcohol and me on a few points sober.What can I do besides sober up (a given) to be there more for my wife, I’m not one to say Im a piece of garbage forever, the end forever…….

    • Toni says:

      You have to do what feels hard. With everything in you, you probably want to say the mean things you say. You probably think it will make you feel good to hurt her. But you must stop and ask if you really want to destroy another human being. Because abuse destroys us. If you had a daughter and she came to you and said her boyfriend was doing and saying the things to her that you have said and done to your wife, would you want her to stay with him? Find love and kindness and compassion in your heart because I am here to tell you that any kind of abuse crushes a woman’s soul. I’ve been, and still am, that woman who is crushed. Please don’t do this to your wife. It hurts so so much.

  41. shadia says:

    I feel much better and relieved after reading all this article.

  42. Leanne says:

    Wow I felt so alone until I read this post and the comments. I have never read anything as accurate as this. As I read through, every single word is my partner, and my life. I’m currently trying to leave. I’ve packed most of my stuff and my mum has taken it all. He has said “if you don’t love me, just leave” but I am scared that he might hurt me once he realises I’m actually leaving him. I’ve said I’m staying at mums for a while for my depression, he said “as long as you don’t break up with me, because I will go nuts and I will do this and that” threats to ruin mine and the kids belongings that we don’t take straight away.. (I have a lot of stuff, between me and my 2 year old and 2 month old we could supply a small town, haha joking). Anyway, I’m literally laying here now at 3am deciding if I tell him in the morning or wait until he’s at work. He said he will be angry if I did it through text or phone. But I don’t know. Thanks again for posting, I can’t believe how accurate it is, and I hope you are coping as well. Xoxo

  43. Aasa says:

    Thank you. Very, very wise, good and above all, clear words. Important messages for anyone having experienced abuse, and in doubt of themselves.

  44. Angelica says:

    Thank you for this blog! Everything is spot on. I live in an emotionally abusive relationship, and have been in it for over 11 years now. Whenever I see things about ‘abuse’ it’s almost always physical, not emotional. I kept thinking “I’d rather just be SLUGGED than endure this constant emotional torture day after day, with only slight times of ‘remorse’ and treating me ‘properly’ until I’m feeling a little better. Then it starts all over again. I’d love to talk to you by e-mail, but cannot seem to find your e-mail address. But thank you for putting this horrid epidemic into such clear and informative and understanding words. That alone has helped me feel a bit stronger.

  45. Susan says:

    As i sort through all the behaviours my Ex Passive Aggressive narcissist exhibited. I wonder if others had this experience as well. When it came to dinner, he wouldn’t help decide what to have. I’d do the entire planning and preparing by myself, he’d sit in the kitchen on a stool i had to buy for him or he’d watch tv!! When dinner was ready to be put on plates me and my kids (from a previous marriage) would be in the kitchen shoulder to shoulder talking. as we put food onto our plates. The P/A narc would be standing as far away from us as he could. He’d enter the kitchen the second we left it, take forever to get his plate together to join me in the livingroom to eat. (no kitchen table not enough space for it) As i look back i now realize he was never really there….it was like an Apparition was in my house…It’s sometimes very strange to look back at some of the things these “people” do!! Very strange how they never really make decisions or make plans!! We got married…exchanged rings….I went home that night a Wife…he went to the same home i did and he never became a Husband!! Sorry for the rant here…but sometimes i have random thoughts about my existence with him and i have no one to reach out to and ask if they’ve had the same experience too!!!! It would be helpful if maybe we could start sharing some of these things with each other? It would certainly make me feel less alone! 😉

    • Stephanie says:

      Hello, it’s so crazy how I read what u put and that’s me, my boyfriend I’ve been with him for 6 Years I’m now 24 and I feel like my life isn’t getting any better. He never helps in shit, I find myself literally feeling like I live alone. I feel alone so much because what friend wants to hear over and over again he did this he did that. I know I need to leave him but someone in my exact situation knows how hard it is. Did u leave him if u don’t mind me asking? And how did u do it. I’m going crazy already.

      • Susan says:

        Hi Stephanie
        If this boy\man was going to change i need you to understand he would have done it already. I spent 16 years with mine he got more arrogant the more he got away with almost GOD like. No matter what he did or what he didn’t do..he was never going to take responsbility for it. I also spent those 16 years feeling like i was a single woman with another child in my home. He pouted when he didn’t get his way. He raged if i called him out on some poor behaviour or mistreatment of me or my children or property. He’d walk away from me or stare off into space or at the tv, when i was trying to get him to assist me in fixing our marriage. He had an obsession with the internet his cellphone and i hate to say this porn. There was no intimacy, sex became non existent, He had to have the t.v on all the time so he didn’t have to engage in family life. He refused to work full time, not that he could keep a job anyway..!! Always trying to delegate the household chores onto me or my son. He even went as far as telling my son he was the reason he and i fought all the time!!!! He liked to tell our friends and his family how awful i was..he finally destroyed a very old friendship…i did finally get him to leave. I packed him up helped him find an apartment and then moved him into it. The final blow was when i found out he’d replaced me about 2 months before with an ex highschool girlfriend. He moved her into that apartment the next day. You’re right about friends not wanting to hear it over and over and over…I went overboard for a while…it’s to be expected. We don’t trust our own judgement after a while we need outside intervention from real rational people to say “hey that’s not GOOD” I started a journal of sorts on my computer added things he did or said..or how he behaved, over time and reading lots of stuff online i could see for myself without bothering others, to much, just how bad he was…this might be a good idea for you for the short term..until you’ve read enough to put your mind at ease you have nothing to do with his pathology!!! I’ve been away from him for 16 months i went full no contact 8 months ago. I’m still not over the pain of this covert abuse…I hope you get free of it, the sooner the better…it will be worth it long term “I PROMISE” (i’m 50 and if i can do this, you can too!!!!)

    • Stephanie says:

      Susan, I read your response, it’s so random how everything you described is what I’m living!! If he doesn’t get his way he also starts yelling and putting me down, oh but when I lend him money, buy him things, oh he loves me all right. I always thought wow I’m the only idiot in this world dealing with this. Now I see I’m not the only one. Apart from that I dont have any kids with him but I feel like I’m never gonna have a family with him, I feel scared to bring a child in this world knowing who his father will be. He was abusive, it has stopped but the threatening me if I leave to kill himself hasn’t. I sometimes don’t understand, to be honest I always ask myself what em I doing wrong. Its so hard to find someone to vent to when as I mentioned no one wants to hear it over & over again. Its so damn hard!! I pray to God every single day, sometimes I’m so depressed I find myself sleeping throughout my days off. Apart from that he’s such a lying PIG he lies about EVERYTHING!!! And honestly im shocked that u say about your sex life because that’s me this moment. We no longer have sex, I catch him late at night watching porn jerking off. He gets so upset when I ask if that’s what he’s doing. Apart from that he’s tried forcing me to have sex his ways. Sometimes when he’s on top I cry, it’s horrible. And I don’t know how to leave. Its so hard Susan! Ugh…

      • susan says:

        Stephanie…Don’t let him guilt you into staying…the suicide thing is his problem..99% of the time it’s used to keep you right were you are, stuck to him!!! Every time some on here tells their story it reinforces what i thought was going on in my llife was real and i wasn’t making it up. I didn’t have kids with that man but i have 2 from my previous marriage, they are carrying long lasting damage from this mans “disordered behaviour”!!!! Keep that in mind when you try to find in what universe you’d like to have kids with that guy!! Sleeping on your days off is your way of dealing with the emotional stress you’re suffering from. I ate myself into a very large woman (most of that weight is almost gone) i was also suffering severe joint pain and was starting to have problems walking, even getting out of bed and onto the sofa and back to bed every day was almost impossible for me. As of today i physically feel like i’m 35..they take everything you have and suck you dry to the point of almost no return..This isn’t going to get better…You have to know that!! Now that my ex has been gone for a while..he’s now trying to bait me into breaking no contact..He’s sending out resumes with my address and phone number on them so i will text him and tell him to stop using my address like i bitched at him to do almost 8 months ago when i last had contact with him..Even when he and i lived together this address and my personal number were never on his resumes as he had his own number!!! He’s also sending samples and ladies coupons in the mail to this address in his name!!! You’re far from a idiot, we all ended up on here for the same reasons, i don’t see myself as an idiot just a caring person who thought i had one thing and it was something completely different…Sure you wouldn’t have spent anymore time with him if he’d behaved like this right from the start…that’s what makes these “men” hard to spot until it’s way to late for US the VICTIM OF THERE DISORDER!!! You haven’t done anything wrong trust me when i say that!!!!! It’s not you IT’S HIM!!!

    • Stephanie says:

      Thanks Susan. I found out so much more crap I feel so alone. Every time I try to get back up I fall. Do u mind me emailing you?

  46. Stephanie says:

    I really needed this the abuse is horrible. I was loosing it, I know now I need to leave it’s an unbearable feeling knowing the one person you love abuses u constantly. I’ve been with him for 6 years and now more then ever it’s so bad. I thank God I have no children with him but I’m not going to lie leaving will be hard. I realize now they suck you in make u think it’s all your fault, and that you need him. He abuses me badly that at times I think of leaving this earth, then minutes later he comes to say sorry and “I love you” of course that messes with someones mind. But this is an eye opener because every single time I hurt inside after his comments it never fails minutes later he’s saying sorry. Its so unhealthy and to be honest what makes me want to leave most is I don’t want him as a father of my kids, I want when I eventually have children to have a man who supports me in everything, who thinks about me and my children first, not him who I know all he thinks about is HIM. If I could go back to the first time he ever abused me I would have left, it’s so hard now, but I know God has a plan for us all, and I know no one deserves to be this miserable. Thank you so much for this, I needed a reminder that my life is worth so much.

  47. Summer Lilly says:

    wow!! This describes my husband to a “T”… Great articl now I know what I’ve got to do.. Thanks

  48. Emma says:

    I’m so pleased to have found this blog and to know that i am not the only one out there with a passive aggressive boyfriend! Its even inspired me to start my own blog, i have kicked it off with a poem that i wish I had the strength to say to my partner…would love your thoughts peeps …. beneaththemaske.wordpress.com 🙂

  49. D says:

    wow, wow and wow. Feels so good not to be alone in all of this

  50. Faithful2God says:

    This is the genetic code that I marry. I’m sorry, but I struggle to identify him as human. The way he treated me was inhumane, no matter how good I was to him. I absolutely agree, these kind of genetic variations don’t love you b/c they don’t even love themselves. They may be self-worshippers, but have no clue about agape love. Out of respect for God, I will keep my marriage covenant, but thank God no longer have to live with him and don’t have any kids with him. Don’t continue to live with abuse. You were created for a great and beautiful life designed by the Master Creator, God Himself. Be the You, you were created to be!!!

  51. Tamara says:

    This matches my fiance…im 7 months pregnant and feel trapped..financially i dont know if i can afford to leave

  52. zulema2 says:

    My hubby is just as described above but what if he can change? I’ve read about all of these husbands. What if they realize they are wrong that he is the problem? Have any of you had positive outcomes from passive aggressive men/ husbands? What if I email or txt this to my husband? And he accepts he has this problem? What are the possibilities or percentage that men like this will change and become better? Like it states here men choose to act like this so they can choose to be loving, supportive, encouraging etc? I was divorced once and re-married to a passive aggressive man, it comes and goes with him. I’ve prayed, fasted, etc etc. but I wonder if he reads this he will see the error in his ways? Thank you all

  53. Rebecca says:

    That articale is my husband, i have a chronic illness and he is a jerk to me and my kids. I have no way of my own income. What can i do.

  54. Anonymous says:

    This could be true of the man I married. He can also be passive aggressive but he’s a wonderful father and always there whenever our kid falls ill. He has a lot of male friends than female friends and he defends me whenever his family hurt me but he doesn’t do this in my presence. He’s loving and kind to me. Even if he hardly apologises I could see in his actions that he’s really sorry. I’m not trying to tell u what’s ok or not but no woman should leave a man that is so vulnerable and is capable of love. For with God nothing is impossible.

  55. dana says:

    I had to stop reading this a couple of times, to close to the heart and painful. Thanks for putting it all into words and helping those that feel crazy 😉

  56. Iv been in a relationship 4 9 years,den we separated.after 5 years my ex want us 2 get back 2geda,we hav 2 kids,boys.nd he has another 3 kids with 3 different mothers.i tried 2 understand we he want us 2 get back 2geda.so i went 2 visit him.he nealry killed me,wen i tell him dat he must respect me,if he want our relationship work,bt he beat me,nd took me 2 the veld.i told me 2 get infront of the car so dt he can drive over me.so i left him now 4 good.im scared he myt want 2 follow me nd kill me,i hav a boyfriend now,dt loves me.bt im scared @ d otherside.pls help

  57. Michele says:

    A true review! This is the most wonderful thing i have ever experience and i need to share this great testimony.. I visited a forum here on the internet, And i saw a marvellous testimonies of this powerful and great man called Dr Mutuma on the forum..I never believed it, because i never heard nor learnt anything about it before.. No body would have been able to convince me about miracles, not until Dr Mutuma did a marvellous work for me and restored my marriage of 6 years back to me and brought my spouse back to me within 24 hours just as i read on the internet..i was truly flabbergasted and shocked when my husband kneel down begging for forgiveness and told me to accept him back.. I am really short of words and joy, and i don’t know how much to convey my appreciation to you Dr Mutuma you are a God sent to me and my entire family.. And now i am a joyful woman once again.. You can contact him on any kind of problems you are going through on his email.. drmutumahouseofsolution121@gmail. com “A man of honour and integrity”

  58. Anonymous says:

    Yes very true… You cant love others if you hate yourself.
    My ex hated himself and he was verbally abusive. I almost married him. He got cold feet and I listened. I thought my love would help. It didn’t. I was hurt so much as I was blindly loyal and determined to make it work and commit.
    He always placed his families needs before my own or our needs and when I mentioned this To him I was in trouble for speaking bad about his family.

    It has taken me a long time to recover.
    Im so much better now but unfortunately we still talk from time to time and if he is feeling bad, verbal abuse comes my way. Im preparing to block him as soon as possible.

    My test when i meet another man is to see how he copes with my saying no or a slight rejection in some way… It will determine his level of anger.

  59. Charollette Warren says:

    Great post, just what i was looking for.

  60. b says:

    this is so my ….kids dad… 100%
    on top of that he has forced me to get my tubes tied , forced me into an abortion and had been hitting , kicking , punching, slapping… rape even. .. to the point of slipping me pills having me drink alcohol so he can tie me up and have guys pay to have sex because I OWE him money.

  61. Maureen says:

    Thank you very much your detailed description of this condition covers everything I have experienced in my current relationship . Which I have to say thankfully is over I can’t deal with it anymore . I’m so glad I’m not alone in this… Thank you for helping…..

  62. Anne says:

    I’m baffled and I’d really like some input ladies! I am not sure if I am losing the plot or whether my partner has taken me through a new level of manipulation!
    Basically I lost my job a few weeks ago and have been frantically looking for another one since, I have got a temporary job for few hours four days a week but is nothing compared to a full time job, not even bringing home quarter of my salary from before. My fiance is going away on a conference for a week so I asked him the other day (probably about 2/3weeks ago about the time I lost my job) if he would transfer some money to our joint account before he went away so that I didn’t have to trouble him whilst he is away and disturb his conference, granted he has already given me some money this month to pay some of the bills but something may crop up while he’s away – plus every time I have had to ask for money in the past its been difficult. I have to answer a series of questions (why do you want the money, what happened to the last lot of money, why did you buy that, you shouldn’t drink if you have no money etc!) I purposely haven’t mentioned money in the last couple of weeks, I don’t like to ask again and he agreed that he’d transfer some money before he goes.
    So last night I came home from an interview and he was all packed and ready to go today. I left it an hour or two then asked had he transferred some money to our joint account? He said no and how much did I need, I said I am not sure but just enough so I havent got to worry if something crops up, he said he hasn’t logged on to his account lately so not sure how much he has and he doesn’t check his bank every day like I do and shouldn’t have to. I asked him why he is so secretive with money, we are supposed to be getting married in 10 months! We have a joint account that he will only pay into if I do – so that its fair. I appreciate that he earns more than me but I feel like if we are a team we should share everything, he thinks I say that because he earns more, like twice as much so I am always the one that is skint! After about half hour of procrastinating and pretending he’d forgotten our conversation, then saying that I never told him how much, we went round and round in circles and I said to him to leave it and I didn’t want us to have a full blown row before he goes away. Then he was really aggressive and started shouting at me saying that I am not fair and that how can he transfer money without knowing this that and the other, I popped! I told him he was a bully and was manipulating me to make out that I am the bad guy for asking and he is secretive and wants to be in control of the money and me and has no right to be hostile to me….he stormed off and slammed a door in my face. I followed him and said please lets just talk this through I don’t want a massive row before he goes and especially over money! (AGAIN) He said he is transferring some money, I said its not even that important just leave it and lets talk and he turned away and ignored me.
    I walked away and left him to it. He came downstairs about an hour later and was smirking, I asked why he was looking like that and he said like what, he was clearly sulking again but smiling and it was worrying! He said he transferred £600. I thanked him and said we need to sort this out and I don’t want to leave things like this, he then said sort what things out?! This made me angry as he was blatantly in denial that we were arguing. He said that I am a bully and that I shouldn’t make accusations, I was dumbfounded and asked what when how and he said that I had said he was a bully so I am a bully for saying that…and because I said he was secretive and he isnt I am accusing him of it, I flipped my lid – he is secretive and he doesn’t discuss it with money, its always what I have spent money on or why I don’t have money and he always says he hasn’t had chance to check his account. We bickered for a little while, then he went to bed (Fully clothed) I then had a wash etc and got into bed, he then said we need to talk, he rolled over and face me and said he was sorry for shouting and that we both should have handled things differently (which made me boil inside, an apology with a swipe). I said I am not sure what to say anymore, if I say anything then I am in the wrong and you are the victim and that I am a horrible person, he said ‘you’re not horrible you should have just asked me differently’ I asked how should have I asked and he said ‘that’s not for me to say’ I said you should tell me where I am going wrong if I haven’t handled things right. He said that I shouldn’t accuse him of being secretive and that I could have asked nicely. We laid there in silence. I said what does he want from all of this and he said nothing. I said why are we arguing then if we have nothing to gain and he said you haven’t even said sorry (like I was a naughty child) he said that he was only shouting and reacting the way he did because of me.
    At this point I felt we had gone in a massive circle all evening, I am back where I started, he is the victim and I am this terrible person for asking for money or saying he is secretive. It was late and I was crying now, so I apologised. I said I’m sorry for asking for money and hurting your feelings and I didn’t want things to be left like this. He then said don’t cry, we just have to be more aware of each others feelings in the future… I’ve got up this morning to come to work (I have a little p/t job for next couple of weeks to tide me over) and he pretended to be asleep after being up nearly an hour I leant across him to say good bye and he said see ya later, hes going away for a week on a conference and this is how its been left.
    I am not sure if I am this horrible person maybe all this time I thought he was the passive aggressive but now I am starting to doubt everything I believed. Maybe I am the cow he makes out I am.
    PLEASE HELP!! Please tell me its not me!! Emma xx

    • Barbara says:

      Are you Anne or are you Emma? The top of your post said “Anne” but the bottom of your post said “Emma”.

      Either way, when he said, ‘you’re not horrible you should have just asked me differently’ perhaps what he means is that you should be begging him for money. This is indicative of a Power and Control issue. This imbalance of He hasn’t had a chance to check his financial account ?power only gets worse.

      And a week-long conference… really ?

  63. Anonymous says:

    We been together for 2 years and now we are hitting rock bottom. My bf hits me more than once and called me names in public and call me names Aswell. The first time he hits me I forgave him and I thought he will diminish this kind of attitude but he didn’t he got worse. I am a good hearted person kind of thing and he knows that. We fight a lot because there was a period of time I needed his help financially and he always calls me names about this issue and makes me feel guilty. He threatens me and sometimes in his shouting he tells me I’m better of without u. Ironically I never hit him I should be leaving him right because he laid his hands on me. Positive note he helped in certain stuff but I got paid really bad for it by his attitude emotionally and physically. Any advice much appreciated xxxx

  64. Gary Evans says:

    I read the article above and I was astonished. My mother had put my father through this till the day he died. My poor dad I have put all the pieces of the jigsaw together now. And my two poor excuse for older brothers stood bye and let it all happen, even the day before he passed on holiday she was at him .I will always remember that. Gary Evans ps.Im so sorry dad I never realised till now.

  65. abusedgf says:

    Good job. Very well said. Thanks!

  66. anonymous says:

    Thanks for your post.
    I’m grateful to read this
    It describes my current situation
    7 years if this
    Im waking up each time
    And must be getting well
    As i no longer wish to continue
    Living with this man and have the desire to
    Make things right and hope that he will change
    I only want to leave now
    I cant wait to start a life by myself
    After a horrible night 3 days ago
    Behaving in an aggressive manner intimidating and going off the rails again
    And blaming me he is still trying to justify his bahaviour with no remorse and still raising his voice and swearing today.
    I need to go there is no more excuse
    I pray God will bless me with the resources i need to leave.

  67. Kevin Carr says:

    Why do you think only men and verbally and emotionally abusive and or passive aggressive? This biased view is causing so much damage….

    • Hashinka says:

      In my opinion. It’s not only men that are verbally and emotionally abusive. However it was not too long ago that women were expected not to have a voice or opinions but to live a life serving her husband.
      Here is a tidbit from a 1950’s home economics book “How to Be a Good Wife”
      *when he comes home, have dinner ready for him
      *take 15 minutes to rest so you’ll be refreshed when he arrives
      *at the time of arrival, eliminate the noise of the washer/dryer, or vacuum
      *Don’t complain if he’s late for dinner
      *have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest that he lie down in the bedroom
      *arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes
      *never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home and relax.

      My grandmother was probably taught this stuff in school. The indoctrinated thinking was passed down to my mother, though weaker and so forth. It’s not only men that are abusive, however I think that it was-and in some ways still is-taught that not only does a woman need a man, but that she does not have the power to change that which she does not like about her life, not that a man needs a women or is powerless to change things. I think women get stuck in these relationships because there is a common train of belief that we cannot make it on our own, and are powerless to make changes towards our happiness, so when a situation like this arises we think that we cannot leave and therefor don’t. When faced with a situation like this-not always, of course-a man can more easily say f&^* this, and leave, because he believes that he can be successful on his own. These belief systems are written in our history and I think it is because of that history that you are more likely to find writings about abusive men. I also believe that it is our responsibility as men and women to change that which we disagree with, educate ourselves and do things differently. Both ends of abuse feel terrible. Pushing someone down to put yourself up surely isn’t a happy way to live neither is saying and doing mean things to the person you love most. We need education on both ends. Teach the abuser and the abused.

  68. I'm a girl, by the way. says:

    I grew up with a mother very much like this. It has been difficult- it has felt damn near impossible at times, really- piecing who I want to be and how I want to think of myself together. I am co dependent, have sever anxiety when I am alone and frankly I think I am a little addicted to being yelled at and put down. Addiction to drama/anger/that intense feeling you get when you’re in an abusive type situation is a real thing. Which is why I thing a lot of relationships like this persist. When you grow up in a household when a parent like this it feels normal, even if you know it isn’t. It is hard teaching myself from basically scratch what a healthy relationship is, even more so is recognizing unhealthy patterns and putting a stop to them. I have been in several relationships that reflect how my mother treated me. in fact I am trying to get out of one now. It took months of trying to move out and now I have to constantly remind myself why. It’s lonely, and it’s confusing. It’s confusing because I know that I am not a victim of my life. I know that I always have a choice. I am trying to figure out what choices led me here, and how I can be more loving to myself and set strong boundaries with people.

  69. melissa says:

    Wow, I was reading this and saying yes yes yes that’s him.. If I voice my feelings about something he has done or anyone for that matter, he flips it on me. Saying he wouldn’t have said this or that had I not been this way or that way or done or said this or that, his apology use to seem very sincere and things would be better for a month or two then it was a week or two, then a day or two to now his apologies are I’m sorry and didn’t mean some of the things I said, or I’m sorry if I knew you saw this action in this way I would have never done it. But you made me go there, I was distrought over your life before we got together and I lost myself. But I say well what exactly are some things you said you really didn’t mean. And then his response is you dwell on stuff to much you need to let if go. I’m trying to move on we are still together that’s all that matters. Or if I voice my concern not pointing fingers at him but saying things like, I’m tired or being the blame for they way peoe treat me or talk bad about me, and in my heart yes there are a few other people I’m talking about as well but really he is the Tol of that list. But he doesn’t get it he just says I let people get to me to much. Their opinions don’t matter all that should matter is him and our kids. Like did he forget the same treatment others are giving me he is as we and 10x’s worse? I’m lost and alone noone to talk to or help me understand what am I doing wrong. Yes he is bipolar and I have used that as an excuse to his behavior but if he takes his meds he’s not such an asshole. I’m a stay at home mom have been for 13 years I did work in-between a few years but no car stuck at home, no family to lean on. Trapped and I feel he knows this and uses this. I want to stand on my own two feet and take my life back. I love him with all that I have and am. But I’m tired of the withholding his love and affection as punishment for something I didn’t do, or bc I had a life prior to him… Help

    • Lindsay says:

      I am crying while reading your comment. Our stories are so similar and I too feel all alone and at my wits end. I am a mother of four small children and we’ve been married for 11 years this year. If you need to talk or share feelings I would love that! No one that I have talked to understands.

    • Windowed Shade says:

      A+ for absolute illiteracy. and the ability to weave every outmoded, over-used, hackneyed cliche into your narrative.

  70. Toni says:

    The article you wrote about verbally abusive, manipulation husband and must more describes my cowardly husband 1000% to the T! And you right I do need to find enter peace and strength to separate myself pernment until he divorce me. Thank you for this powerful article. Starting tomorrow I need to find a place in my state for verbally emotional abusive wives. Thank you thank you

  71. i have a narcicistic gf that uses these kind of bloggs as ammo to try and divert any attention away from herself. she knows how to manipulate people and tells everyone she can get to listen about her abusive bf. well y they never ask y she doesnt leave i dont know. i am giving her a week to find somewhere to go as she has no job or place to live, not even a car. and of course thats all my fault. so dont believe everything you hear. i bet some of the victims on here are acctually the abuser.

  72. Tika says:

    18 years of his lying and cheating” mean towards me and his kids” I thought it was me” I wish to Divorce this horrible man that plays the wounded one”.

  73. Lindsay says:

    I have been married now for 11 years to a man that exonifies this. I don’t known what to do as I am emotionally unhealthy and have cut my family off as they treat me similar to this. I have no one, I have health issues and 4 kids. He is on disability from the army and are just starting to make enough to get by without worry now that wenare in school. ( well he flipped a switch again and says hes not going out of the blue and that I’m forcing him to for money because that’s all I care about ) he gets so angry and then is so unbelievably caring and sweet when he is on his meds and doesn’t drink regularly or smoke pot he can be amazing. But then boom, he turns a switch and if II stand up for myself or call him on his sweet lies he barely told, then I am crazy and a bitch and a lazy no good cunt that could never make it without him ans calls me my mother ( she left when I was younger snd is a very narcassistic victim type of mom who uses guilt and shame to get love from her kids) . I was a victim off hold and adolescent sexual abuse and he can be so protective and sweet to me about that, but when I bring up serious discussions or things questions about him taking his meds or sleeping all day after binge drinking, he uses it as a weapon and calls me a whore and a liar who wants to be a victim and th brings up my past relationships and says they failed because of me. I don t know what to do. I am just getting an education, I have health issues ans mental issues and am not sure where to turn. We had a strong amazing love, I believed and others who cared about me believed staying with him even when I found out I was pregnant before we married would cause me regret and pain and that he would never change. I mean he doesn’t or hasn’t physically hurt me since last year when he grabbed my arm, but today when I brought up why he lied to me and why he was so mad that I woukdnt take back clothes for my kids and a kitchen faucet we needed so he couldn’t go buy pot and beer after he said two days ago he never wanted to touch the stuff again and was saving up for our anniversary, he forced his body weight against me and body shoved me back and gotnright into my face to yell at me obsenities. But he laughs when I cry and tells me I’m crazy for asking and I spend all his money and I do nothing and the round and round and deflecting the issue or placing blame on me just continues until I have to either ignore him or repes t thenphrase, ok honey, im not talking anymore or listening to you until you stop treating me this way over and over. He always comes back either days or hours later, acts like nothing is wrong or is completely and utterly the most penatant man on earth. Sometimes weeks goes by of his amazing behaviour and then it all goes to shit and urns to all or nothing in an instant, sometimes over nothing thst has happenend and it leaves me literally clueless and feeling nuts for not knowing. I am feeling like killing myself to get away.

  74. Lannie Wise says:

    My husband blames me for everything thats wrong in our relationship. I became ill w/ lupus in 2007, I almost died from complete kidney failure, he was informed by a number of doctors that stress will trigger flare ups from my disease but he continuously does things that he knows will upset me. Hes cheated more times then I can remember, he feels no compassion for me what so ever. Ive stuck by him through hell & back and forgiven him for awful humiliating things hes done to me & against our marriage. He calls me crazy & blames me for everything hes done. Im at a breaking point, I’ve never felt so alone or lost in limbo as I do right now. I’m not happy this is not the life I wanted us to share, I cant bring myself to accept that he will never change & he will never leave the easy wemon he cheats on me with alone. Im hurt I feel so stupid for believing in a man that probably never did love me. I dont have family to go home to. I dont even have friends that I could stay with until I got on my own two feet. Im afraid if I leave him, I will makinga hugh mmistake. But I also believe if I stay, its just going to get worse and he will hate me even more then he already does. Our son would be broken hearted, he already crys looking at old pictures of us in happier times of our lives, our son wants me to stay but he also sees what his father is doing and he knows its not right. I cant take him with me because his dad wouldn’t allow it. Hes my step son but ive raised him since he was 3 months old. He rarely sees his birth mother. Shes a whole other story. If someone could pray for us, mmaybe offer some advice, id be so grateful. I feel so powerless & used & completely broken. Thank you for letting me spill my heart out.

  75. laureen says:

    Happiness restored! I want to share my review on Dr Mutuma how I got my husband back and testify to the world. I got married to my husband about 4 years ago we start having problems at home like we stop sleeping on the same bed,arguing about little things he always come home late at night and sleeping with other women. I have never loved any man in my life except him. He is the father of my child and i don’t want to loose him because we have worked so hard together to become what we are today. Few months ago he now decided to leave me and the kid,being a single mother can be hard sometimes and so i have nobody to turn to and i was heart broken. I called my mom and explain everything to her,my mother told me about Dr Mutuma how he helped her solve the problem between her and my dad, i was surprise about it because they separated from each other for three and a half years and it was like a miracle how they came back together and love each other. I was directed to Dr Mutuma on his email: drmutumahouseofsolution121@gmail .com and explained everything to him,so he told me not to worry that he will cast a spell and make things come back to how we were, so much in love again and said my husband was under manipulation by a female controlling my husband. He said my
    problem will be solved within two days if i believe i said OKAY. So he cast a spell for me and after two days my lover came back on his kneels crying and begging me to forgive him. Am so happy now. Contact Dr Mutuma (drmutumahouseofsolution121@gmail. com) for any kind of relationship/marriage problem.

  76. Anon says:

    I need someone to talk to he is like this with me also, he sometimes lashes out he says when he is angry my voice goes through him – I don’t know what to do? I love him and don’t want to leave him but on the other hand know k should someone talk

  77. Jan says:

    Interesting to read..

    I’m in a controlling r’ship,living on the other side of the world with a partner who controls what I wear,how I look and always puts me down.A bf who starts a row but blames me all the time for being hormonal and I’m left to be made to apologise as he convinces me its all my fault.

    I’m hurt and upset right now.Im a tall,slim and well mannered girl and somehow my bf manages to put me down and make me feel like I’m walking on eggshells all the time.I just don’t know how to handle this anymore.I love him but I’ve zero self confidence in myself anymore

    • Calendula says:

      Like the end of the article said:

      “People who love you will treat you with respect, consideration, courtesty, honesty and compassion. If you are with someone who matches the abusive behavior that you just read, get help. The sooner you wake up to the fact that the relationship is unhealthy, and move on, the sooner your life will improve.”

  78. Browngrl86 says:

    This is my ex boyfriend to a T!

  79. Anonymous says:

    This article hit me hard, not because I’m an abused wife – because I am one of these guys. I was sent this article by my girlfriend, I have just had to identify and acknowledge that I have some of these traits. If I’m being honest with myself, I don’t relate to all these points and I do believe my love is genuine. I have empathy and take responsibility, but the heartbreaking reality is I’m passive aggressive. I don’t want to behave in this way, I know it’s wrong. I didn’t ask to be this person, I just want to be normal. I have an incredible girlfriend, she loves me, she is strong and won’t take my shit. I don’t want to lose her but she doesn’t deserve to be emotionally abused because of my insecurities. I don’t want to settle for someone I don’t care for who is the same as me creating a toxic relationship from both sides. I don’t ever want to expose my children to abuse and creative similar characteristics in them. I want to change, I need to change. I hate who I have become. How do I fix this?

  80. Teresita says:

    This is the BEST article I have ever read! And I have been reading a tremendous amount lately since I have recently filed for divorce after 20 years because exactly all of this has happened to me. This was the 13 he broke my trust and it always pertained to other women. He would woo me to get me back and me having hope and still wearing my rose colored goggles would fall for it! But I never felt really connected to him, ever! I discovered wishing the first year of marriage actually that he was sick. Yet I always forgave him. Idk what happened this time but something just wouldn’t allow me to take him back. (Maybe cuz it was the neighbor this time) I had warned him for at least 10 years “one more time Samir and I’m leaving” I’ve even filed twice and both times stopped it. It takes a huge toll on you! And in reality he will not ever change and not to mention you are only feeding into his already massive ego. I’m not sad that it took me this long because I am filling awake now and I can clearly see all of the red flags from now on! Life goes on! But hey let’s just say he does change and goes to therapy and is into it if, IF “if” he can one day become have a normal functioning relationship then it was worth it!

  81. Doreen c rono says:

    Thanks for the post, yes i really need your help. Im really confused and this is killing me. Yes im going through all this pliz help me.savee and my children from this.

  82. LIVING WITH A MAD MAN says:

    I have been in my current relationship for 12 years, and emotionally detached 2 years ago. His new complaint is my detachment and the fact that I MUST be cheating on him due to my “behavior”. I AM NOT cheating and I go through HELL now everyday explaining my every move and breath to him. I DONT want to leave him, I WANT him to wake up and see how wrong he is. I want him to wake up and see things for what they actually are and quit being so hypocritical and CRAZY. Is this eventually possible? Is there any hope to see change? Can therapy help? IS THERE A CURE OR IS THIS A LIFE LONG PROBLEM HE WILL ALWAYS HAVE?

    ** ALSO Every bullet on this blog is a symptom he displays **

    • Calendula says:

      This is going to sound insensetive and harsh: why WOULDN’T you want to leave him? Do you LIKE living that way? Why were you reading articles about it, then? Sorry to sound rude, but really: think about the answer(s) and what would be best for your life, overall. Are there kids involved? And you want them traumatized, or worse, imitating him?

  83. DD says:

    I know this all too well. It’s been going on for three years. When I reflect back it was there earlier, I just didn’t recognize the signs. He tells me he suffers from anxiety, so everything is a big deal. I could not ask for two better children and yet nothing is good enough. Everyone feels they need to be perfect robots except for him. The children are step children. He is not loving and nurturing to them. But says he loves them. Not to them. Not ever. Maybe has hugged them twice? He misses events at school for them and there r rarely family outings. In the beginning there was because of his daughter. He is loving and caring and compassionate with his own daughter that does not live with us. If she fails a class. She gets its ok sweetie try harder. My girls got scolded for less than 80 %. He is very harsh and uses unacceptable words. He says this is not him. It is learned behaviour because when he first met them he had to yell to get them to do things. But never had to yell at his daughter cause she always listened to him. She partied at 13 and was pregnant at 15. But not his problem. Just prior to learning she was pregnant we had a hypothetical convo about my 18 year old becoming pregnant. Basically said he wouldn’t help and if she is old enough to “f” she is old enough to take care of a baby etc etc. He always talks and describes with harsh words. This is a couple of many examples. It was always unfair and his reason was because she doesn’t live with us. He has no control. He has high expectations on everyone. I feel he is controlling but he doesn’t think so because he doesn’t tell me what to wear or where to go etc. But we all walk on egg shells. It is hard because when he is not angry or anxious he is a decent man. We went to counselling and he was put on meds but refuses anymore counselling. He never heard where he had to change. But pointed out all of my changes. He has no empathy or concern when I am upset. I have confronted him several about being sad and unhappy. I get yelled at and he walks away. I am told not to follow if I do it will be at my own risk. He will come back two hours later with a whole list of reasons why it is my fault I am unhappy. And if I would just change and give him what he needs I would see change. He means by me raising my kids how he wants. Abiding by his rules and structure. I am a good caring loving nurturing wife. I don’t yell or talk back. He is too intimidating. I have a hard time even explaining things. Everything is my fault. He calls me names and he gets so furious. The hard part is I want to leave. A part of me is scared. I have approached him 4 times saying I am not happy. After a blow up and then a talk how we both have to change He changes for a few weeks maybe a month and then picks and picks and picks and when I finally say something it all boils down to me again and it’s my mood that is causing this in him. I can’t win. When it is calm things r ok. We don’t do much he doesn’t like to go out because of his anxiety. He withholds sex, intamacy and emotional stimulation. I feel dead inside. Why can’t I leave?? I can’t leave when he is angry. I am afraid he will become a monster and won’t be fair splitting things. I don’t want a lawyer if we don’t need. They are far too expensive. I can’t leave when things are calm because it’s peaceful. I feel sorry for him. How can I disrupt the calm even though I feel like I live with my brother , not my husband. I feel so stuck. He also spends money on things for himself. Let’s say self medicating. If I want to buy something I am told the money could be out to better use. He also drinks a lot of coffee from Starbucks at least 3-5 daily and smokes. I have asked him to not smoke in house but because I allowed it once why should he stop. I set the precedent when I allowed once. If it is good today it is good forever. My daughter wants to move out because of the smoke. She has asthma. But he refuses. She is in college. Best place for her is at home. How do I get the strength and courage to move on. Maybe I fear he will change and be that person he was in the first year of knowing him.

  84. Calendula says:

    DD: Read 3-4 random articles about the NPD personality, especially the topics of “Love-bombing” followed by “Devaluation” and if this personality type ever changes. You will be able to answer your own questions.

    • DD says:

      Thank you. I have looked into that previously. I have looked into every disorder there can be. Brought everything I felt to the psychiatrists attention. The dr never came out and said what he has or doesn’t have. Our sessions seemed to b he said she yet yet the dr could see my husbands potential rage and how he talked to me. It was almost like the dr was afraid to say anything to upset him because maybe he would feel attacked and never come back? So no real results other than a med change which took him out of 24/7 anger and back to every few months with a whole bunch of nit picking and anxiety and being ignored in the middle. My husband feels it’s anxiety. But now won’t treat it other than meds and pot. But npd does sound a lot like him.

      • Calendula says:

        Been there done that (wink!). I’ts frustrating and chaotic while you’re in the middle of it.

        Personally, I was upset the year that I was in essence kicked out. Rejection is never fun. Of course he rubbed verbal salt into my wounds that he had created. Then, I was incredibly relieved to be out of the hell hole that I had thought I wanted. It was like breathing fresh air in a clean house, after having been stuck in an “Andy Gump”.

        I can “hear” the desperation in your text. It sounds like you’re at a place where something’s gotta give.

      • DD says:

        Thanks again for listening. I should know better. I survived my first relationship and came out strong. He had his own issues and could not live with him. That being said he is a great father to his girls. I am glad because they seem to have gotten no emotional support from their step dad. I keep making the excuse that if I still had my parents I would have left three years ago. I feel like a burden on others and wouldnt be able to afford a place on my own until things are settled. I just don’t like the limbo. And although everyone supports me they get after me to get a lawyer kick him out of house till it sells etc. All of these suggestions infuriate him and then he gets even more mean and malicious sounding. That happened three years ago. I know I would be taken in but other people’s suggestions make me feel I would be a burden. I tell them this and tell them I am not dealing with a normal rationing man. I can’t do the things the way u think they need to be done. I don’t want to anger it. That is sad. Yet I hang on.

  85. MZd says:

    Thanks so much, I found this article very supportive and true for us in this kind of situation.. Thanks for all the insights, suggestions and comments.

  86. Anonymous says:

    This is my husband “every word”

  87. bree says:

    My husbands Father passed away and when the decisions where being made on what to do because he didnt have life insurance and I suggested a few things his sister told me this is family business and was very rude to me I didnt respond in anyway I just went outside by myself. When we came home I explIned to my husband how some of the things that were said really hurt me his reply was more yelling and cussing and blaming which made me cry he told me he was sick of my shit I don’t know what to do when something or someone hurts me he hurts me worse. Heart Broken

    • Priscilla says:

      He may be glow through a grieving process unable to cope. Is he molly like this? If not it may be situational

  88. Amber says:

    I’m in one right now he couldn’t find his wallet and blamed me he is always telling me to get out he says he does no wrong he is always right

  89. Priscilla says:

    I am in an emotionally abusive relationship. I am afraid to leave.

  90. Anonymous says:

    I just had argument with my husband an hour ago. Your article describes my life. I am a Lupus patient and dealing wit other painful diseases. It’s so hard for me to let go and but it’s killing me if I stay. Plus my son have a mental illness and he treats he that why way too. Are you sure that these signs are not the bipolar disorder? I need help. I gonna leave him.

    • Anonymous says:

      I believe all our diseases, (I have lupus too) are due to many variables with STRESS being top on the list. I physically feel it in the midst of the battels.

  91. Tracy Angus says:

    May i ask how to get out of an abusive relationship especially when i have a child going to school? I really want to leave but don’t know how to do it. Needs some advice please.

  92. WHY?? says:

    Sitting here reading this after going through all of this again. How is it he can be so cold, distant, pissed off & angry with/at me all weekend only to come home in a GREAT mood? I’d love to understand or for him to be honest about the “Great Switch”! A few hours later & he’s back to that same angry guy the kids & I are scared of. I just don’t get it. How much can I work on myself & try to help the kids change so we don’t piss him off before we lose ourselves? Where is that line- especially when the kids & I are the only ones that really SEE HIM FOR WHO HE IS?

    • Anonymous says:

      Oh sweets I feel for you & I’m guessing there is a reason you’re still there I was 12 years with my ex I feared he was right when he called me ugly stupid hopeless helpless & nothing without him…this is so persuasive it’s our fault the kids the neighbours dog, I stopped trying to smooth his life & it wasn’t easy but he’d swear I’d put in my headphones listen to music he didn’t like my cooking I no longer make him a single meal in short I treat his outbursts for what they are he is an attention whore & I refuse to play his games

  93. Sandy Hamby says:

    Im alone anyways because of this after 13yrs. Im leaving but inside I feel like the ugliest person that im so uncomfortable within. I dont even know how to be with men that ask me out :””

  94. Anonymous says:

    I can’t believe my partner can’t realize that every abusive words he use hurts. All he thought was he is right and that’s his behaviour.
    Thanks so much for the reading. It helps.

  95. Linda says:

    I have been married to this man (some of these behaviors are not applicable to him) since 1993. Met in 1986. Only
    in the past few years have i realized these traits in him.
    Neither One of us will leave this relationship. We have an almost 20-year-old son and almost 17-year-old daughter. I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis in 1985 and now lupus in this year, 2015. I don’t want to talk to anyone we know about this, so I was thankful to find this site

  96. jessie says:

    I 100% agree with the above. I am in that situation currently and left my husband several times but because of his manipulative behaviour…took him back each time. I do not know how to get out because I am financially dependant on him

  97. Roberta says:

    Thanks for posting…though it makes me heart sick to read it 😓
    Hardest part is loving someone like this….I don’t know what to do anymore? He can never take blame or say he is sorry, that sucks and hurts like hell…
    Sitting in my bedroom giving him the silent treatment as I know me talking with him is useless…in 20 years I never have never gotten and I am sorry. Never was there for me emotionally when I needed him…even thought of taken my life once, but didn’t want to do that to my kids…I came down with epilepsy shortly after we started seeing each other…when ever he talks about it…it’s always what it does to him never mind me…but it’s controlled for the most part…except for the side effects…he enjoys telling everyone how forgetful I am and making fun of me in public…
    I don’t know? At least I got him to stop swearing at me about a year ago…actually had to get physical with him for it to sink in…I slapped him…Just rambling on here..sorry…
    Told him today I was not going to tolerate him embarrassing me in public anymore…not the first time I said that…but this time I said EVER..haha…so when ever we are around someone I have been leaving so as not to give him the chance to do so…but of course he had to announce to his dad he had to go with him for errands as I would be a royal bitch if he didn’t.? Crap I haven’t spoken to him? Yah living with his dad now as we just moved out of state….just sold our house…thinking its time to take my half of the money and run….not sure about how my kids would take it though? Of course I have always covered for the asshole…and just shut my mouth when he started in…can one really start over at 60? I don’t know…be nice if I had some sort of retirement to look forward to instead of social secure poverty…😒
    Not too shabby looking just yet….but guess I am just dreaming out loud…

  98. Lauren says:

    I don’t think these men hate us women so much as fear us when we are strong & independent… Abuse is insidious you don’t realise it’s happening the moods the sadness the fear you believe you’re mental or crazy & this belief is reinforced with the loving words ‘you couldn’t cope without me’ we women have got to lose the fear of being alone or unloveable we had lives before these men our lives don’t end when we kick their sorry arses to the curb

  99. jo says:

    This article took my breath. I am engaged to a man that fits this to a T. He is always sarcsstic..all about him and hot headed. We dont have bad arguments often..but when we do they seem to be worse every time. More physical and intimidating. This last time he called me bad names backed me up against a counter and pushed my head pretty hard. I tried to leave but he wouldn’t let me. The next morning i snuck out to work and he called apologizing. Im still here. But i told him this is the final draw. He so much as gets sarcastic im gone. I know i should have left then..why i didn’t i really don’t know.

  100. mellissa says:

    feel that way to my husband treats me like that to

  101. Anonymous says:

    I’ve been desperately looking for an explanation to everything I’m facing and here I have found it. I used to think oh maybe he’s having a bad day but when I got sick a year ago and he put me down more than ever I quickly realized I was circling the drain and all alone. I’ve tried to talk to him and asked for a break but he refuses to acknowledge that something is wrong and will not leave. Belittling, name calling and yelling have been my normal days. He takes the dog and tries to push me out of the picture by saying the dog and I are going out to paint the town red and you’re staying here, completely making me feel like an outcast and a nobody. I am starting to have anxiety about the whole thing and when he’s home my heart beats so fast because I’m scared 😦 5 years ago he was the best thing that happened to me and now I don’t know that person anymore. Worst part is I can’t tell him how I’m feeling because he won’t listen and will tell me I’m crazy or change the subject. I’m not a bad person but he has me questioning who I am as a person because I often wonder if I did something to cause all of this.

  102. Ally says:

    This describes my partner exactly. I can never be right and everything is always my fault. I thought it was my fault but reading this has helped me to see it is not. All the nights crying and feeling alone and helpless that i was the problem of this relationship..now i see it was not me. Maybe i will make it out of this.

  103. Larry says:

    There are no resources for men who are emotionally and verbally abused by the women in their lives. Would it be fair to substitute the word “her” instead of “him” in this piece? I see the same behaviors occurring in my partner. It’s not always the man who’s the abusive party.

  104. Aurora says:

    I have been married to a man for seven months now that I see is a verbally abusive person. He constantly tells me I’m an idiot and I’m lazy his focus has recently went to my daughter who is 20 and living here with us. She can leave a spoon in the sink and it’s the end of the world. He doesn’t really tell at her he yells at me, today for instance the dog was sick and has diarrhea she pooped in the hallway by our door he woke me up and told me to go check if his coffee was on in the morning at 4:45 am on my day off. He wanted me to step in that poop and then clean it, he blamed it on my daughter and insisted that she saw it and just didn’t clean it. He left for work then called me for his entire hour commute to yell at me and tell me he regrets ever meeting me and marrying me. He has hit me once in the face this past Halloween but now insists he just “pushed” my face. On the weekends he walks around and terrorizes me about everything even if I want a window open. Then I get upset and he apologizes and says if everyone would just listen to me and do it my way I wouldn’t act like this. It’s a cycle and I’m getting very sick over it in this short amount of time. I’ve lost 40 lbs and feel so depressed and physically sick. He won’t have sex with me for weeks because it’s his way of controlling the situation. He puts me down a lot. I moved here from out of town to marry and live with him and my three kids who are mostly older now, teenagers. I’m stuck here and don’t know how I’m going to leave. He makes the majority of income so it’s like he has the upper hand and everything I do he says I’m like a child and don’t know any better. I’ve tried just going with the flow and keeping him happy but even the times I do things the exact way he wants it’s still wrong and he will deny saying to do it that way. I’m not allowed to use the washing machine because “I don’t know how to do laundry” I’ve tried talking to his mom about it and explaining to her that I can’t deal with this anymore and she always makes excuses for him like he’s just scared or not feeling good. He can have me on the floor in tears devastated and he will just walk away. I always plan to leave but he starts being nice and I just say ok one day at a time it will get better and the minute I start feeling trust and comfortable he stabs me in the back with insults over something so small. He kicks me and the kids out every other week. I’m not sure what to do at this point, I can’t afford the rent in this area so I will have to move back out of town away from my family. When his family is here or the kids are in the room he’s laughing and fine and when everyone leaves he shuts the windows and doors to yell at me. This article is exactly what I’m going through and I feel like I have no help from anyone, I am in fear because he terrorizes me and threatens to hurt me. And I’m up against him all alone. Before I met him I was raising my kids alone for five years had our own house and was doing ok things were hard but I did it, and he says I was all messed up before he got here and my kids are all messed up because of the way I was raised “nobody gave a s*** about you when you were a kid so how are you gonna raise your kids right” I love my kids very much and am so proud of the people their becoming and I feel like I’m taking all this abuse for them because I love them so much so we don’t have to struggle so much and they could be in the same town closer to their grandma. If anyone has advice I would love to hear it please because I’ve never seen anything like this and I don’t know what to do. Thank you

  105. Mercy says:

    We’ve been married for 9 years with my husband. With 9 years my husband been abuse me. Physical emotional and mentally abuse. He is smoker and drinker all the time. Every time he drunk he curse me threaten me that he wanna cut my throat. He said to me that I’m useless and he doesn’t love me. We have 3 kids every time he got mad at me he curse me front of the kids say. Hurt words and threat. What should I do I’m scared if I’m leave him im sure he will kill me and took the kids that he always threat with me..

  106. Lynn says:

    Yes I am also living with this person that you described. I feel so humiliated and abandon is there any way to win him over or is it the end?

    • autumn says:

      Im dealing with this right thus second. He calling me a dick hopper and yelling it outside My house all over me posting on my fb. Threating to put my pets outside in the rain, calling me a whore and that My kids will never have a steady man in thier lives cause im a slut. Threating to beat me up when he comes back from doctors, even tho his never put hands on me. Does he forget im working to support him and my own children and dont need this stress smh.

      • Calendula says:

        Lemme guess…and all behind closed doors so friends and family all believe you to be exaggerating, right? For me, it was done so guadually and subtly, that it took 17 years to run its course. End result: I am permanently in poor health, but grateful yo be away from the situation. For you: he will no doubt never change. Do you want to live like that forever? Do you want your kids to see by example that this is what “marriage” is?

  107. Jess says:

    Wow… You seem to be describing my partner… When I first found out I was pregnant we told his mum and she wasn’t happy ( she is very cold person ) she humiliated me and he defended her and turned against me. He told me that ‘blood is thicker than water’ . Had many issues with his mum and two years later he is still blaming me every time I try to stand up for myself . He belittles me in front of his family and friends. At home there is a lot of emotional blackmail… I have now been diagnosed with a stress disorder that just come about because I haven’t had the emotional support throughtout my pregnancy or during recovery from my c- sections. He has told me that if I leave he will keep the children, he told me I won’t finish my studies… There is no compassion when I break down in tears and he can spend a long time not speaking to me. I used to be a very outgoing person but now never want to socialise. I have lost my friends. At home I can’t sing when happy because he immediately tells me to shut up. I am the shell of the person I was in the past… Never happy not knowing how to get through this as he controls the finances and I can’t just leave…

    • Anonymous says:

      I feel for you but you need to contact a domestic violence shelter to help you plan an escapewith your children. Do Do not go to family or friends because those are places he would go firs

      My ex fiancé was beginning to ask me about money saying how much I could spend of my own cash. I thought he was joking. Glad I didn’t stick around to find out.

  108. michele says:

    Your comments are very good and I see alot of my controlling boyfriend’s traits.The other day I sat with him and said to him he really upset me with his controlling attitude, he was Speachless. He apologized for his attitude.He said to me he was stressed because of a problem he had with his job. I told him not to take things out on me to sort them out that I don’t deserve any of that shit.
    He’s tried to control what I eat, drink, wear and speak.He also has a dry sense of humour.when I saw him last I had found out a dear friend had passed at age 40 from an embolism.I got really upset and his dry sense of humour really pissed me off and I sat down with him and told him so.I spoke on the phone with him last night and he wasn’t arrogant much than he usually is.I told him that not to try and change me.He either wants me as his girlfriend the way i am and don’t change me to satisfy his needs.
    He knows know to back off from his controlling attitude or find someone else.I walked out of his house and he stopped me from leaving. We talked more for 1.5 hrs then I had to leave to see my friends mum to see if she needed anything.
    I will see what he will be like in the next 2 wks.if he goes back to his controlling attitude I’ll tell him off again.I deserve respect from him.I have never given him any reason to doubt my words nor my loyalty to him.I know he has to change his controlling attitude or he will lose me for good.

    • Carolynn says:

      I just found this blog and as most of the women it sounds all too familiar. I feel completely alone and lost. My step children mean everything to me. Their mother passed away, so leaving them would be devastating. The oldest is completely aware of how poorly his father treats me and has told me on numerous occasions to please not respond to his father’s mean comments or bad behavior because that causes him to get angry and we fight and he doesn’t want me to leave. To stay or to go leave me equally miserable. If I stay I live in this constant state of anxiety and depression and if I leave I leave two young kids and cause them to suffer another huge loss. Just to clarify I would still totally stay in their life if I divorced their father, but I know he would make that near to impossible.

  109. Amber Taylor says:

    this made me cry so much because I am going through it now and only been in the relationship for 4 years. I don’t know what to do we have build a home together and I paid the bills why he bought items for my house. Now I facing losing everything and started over without making my son suffer. I personally don’t know what to do but I know this aint healthy for me either. Plus he made it known he will take things he paid for to make me suffer.

  110. Anonymous says:

    Just ended a relationship last night with my supposed fiance. I knew the signs as I have a psychology background. Yet I tried to be there for him. He never saw his own wrongdoing but was quick to out mine. He became verbally abusive over little things. Last night argument escalated over something I wanted to tell him about something personal. He talked about my dead mother, called me a whore and used a racial slur toward me. I told him he need professional help. He called me stupid and other things. I told him i was done and would not talk to him anymore. He told me never talk to him again. I’m pretty sure he’ll be apologizing today but I am not going for it. Now he is going to tell people my personal business and that I’m a liar. I did not lie. He made remarks like I deserved him or I earned him then says he can’t trust me. Our relationship was an emotional rollercoaster.. every night there was an accusation. He had a bad childhood and it scared him. He is estranges from his parents and hasn’t talked to them in years. Glad I dodged this one because marriage would have been hell.

    • Good for you! It may hurt now and you may miss certain things about him or your relationship, but I guarantee you in the years to come you will be breathing a sigh of relief.

    • Marie says:

      I’m sorry you had to endure that but proud you got out of it. Once married and with child our children involved it is very difficult. I love my husband and feel bad for him about his childhood especially after living with my mother in law psychologically I see how he came about to be this way and I’ve always been compassionate seeing the good in everyone but seeing my little boy change and pick up bad habits and now it’s hard for him at 5 to say I love you to mommy is killing me inside. So good for you for being smart. My heart and mind are clouded and I’m confused. Too many years too much believing he’ll change…I don’t know if he even wants to change and it’s heartbreaking.

  111. Marie says:

    Please help me every word of this is what I’ve been going through. I believed my husband to be sick. He gained weight early in our relationship I’m sure has sleep apnea and we confirmed that he has low testosterone. He’s an only child with an overbearing mother who has put him down and then enabled him. They both exhibit similar traits verbally abusive, reckless behavior, fake niceness to s trangers, bossy, lie easily, nosy, gossipy, and his father whom I believe to be deep down good hearted has been anxiously obeying my mother in law and lying to please her when need be. He’s also engaged in gossip and can barely speak straight due to his thoughts of if she catches him he’ll get in trouble. Same with my husband but my mother in law will enable then cut my husband off curse and blame me they’ve locked me and my 5 year old up in a room where we live and then she’ll barge in(no boundaries which I’ve asked my husband to set but said it’s no use) he himself had no boundaries. She’s very protective of her material things and is extremely good at looking as tho she works hard but really dictates to everyone what to do and it’s her way only. My husband her and my father in law are very negative. My mother in law and husband curse and scream at each other then pretend nothing ever happened. My husband called the cops on me knowing I was sick in the hospital just because he started a one of his many new jobs that ever been or turned out to be what he’s made them to be.ie he’s a partner that bought in at 20 percent he didn’t and then just leaves quits or gets fired then blames someone in thec ompany or me. I’ve slept in my car been in fear of his temper in front of my son or in-laws they get involved (we live there with them) and they side with him. I’ve been in car accidents bleeding for him to yell at me, robbed because I fell asleep after being awake for days scared and sick I have bladder kidney issues and he says I’m lying and only bought it up to comfort me but as a sad story for him to tell to strangers without me even knowing accept that I overheard on his phone and he’s left me there cold at night in my car kicked me out picked fights to get me into my car so he can sleep in the bed that I had to overly convince him to buy ( he’s weirdly cheap with things that can benefit us also I was suffering because no offense he broke from his 350 plus weight which btw only bothered me not physically he’s very handsome carries it well but health wise and I felt he gave up on himself and lost confidence, didn’t want to socialize, etc.) but pregnant and with my back issues needed a, new bed needless to say he’s broken this one amongst everything else…phones clothes tablets etc in rages or carelessness. He’s extremely self loathing, disloyal, unreliable, dishonest, selfish, and will bully or threaten me often. We’ve been married 7 and half years together 14. I feel stupid and naive my parents were abusive and I fled from this type of toxic behavior young lived on my own independently for years before meeting my husband whom I immediately fell in love with but his behavior in the beginning was so amazing and this was so gradual, looking back there were signs but only after living with him and his parents catching him lie to me did I start to notice and piece together. We were together since I was 22 and in the very beginning he had such compassion when I was sick with infections and love, we were best friends soul mates, I had trouble getting pregnant my son was born 2 months early thankfully healthy but since I showed ( my belly bump which I was so excited for he said now your stuck with me forever in such a scary way while I was smiling about my baby belly in front of my family). Again he’s admitted he’s like this and knows he’s like or sometimes said worse than his mother but very rarely and uses me simply for sex and money or I’ve been his scapegoat or slave. I’m never asked how are you? It’s like I exist only when he needs something. Please help.

  112. Kim says:

    Reading this just made me feel sick. This man is my husband.

  113. Bee hubbert says:

    Help realize the truth with my partner just couldnt get it now I do thanks to reading. Time for me to move away from the mentally abuse.
    My partner took alot out of me time to feel good on the inside and out.

    • Anonymous says:

      Bless you and Amen, only issue for me is , he knows I cannot afford to walk away, I am 67, work part time, sales associate! He became disabled in August 2015! I feel stuck, he’s my husband, however, I started back to church! This has given me a great deal of peace!❤️🙏🏽👼🏽

  114. roselin says:

    I am just shocked. Every single word mentioned in this article fits perfectly for my husband, But what is the remedy for the wife of such husbands?

  115. Carol says:

    Amen!! Thank you for making this Real!!!

  116. fuggy says:

    i love him since 3yrs.i go in his house spent times wth his mom dad.plays games.make different dishes with his mom.but now slowly he misbehave me.dnt listn to me.blames me fr every thngs.i wnt yo frget him bt i m nt able to frget those rlntn which we had.

  117. N.N says:

    I’m a only a Freshman in high school so this may not be taken seriously, but reading this sounds like my father. He treats my mother, my brother, and me in ways similar to this. My mother has a disease called Potts and arthritis causing her to be unable to work or do too much physical activity. She can’t divorce him and i’m sure she still loves him, but it hurts to hear these things he says about my mother and be worried about being hit by him. My mother, brother, and I plan on going to see someone to talk to them about fixing him behavior, but I don’t know if things can be improved. I’m just going to say it, I feel no respect nor affection for this person who blames everyone else and acts like he is younger than me when he is in his 60s.

  118. Susie says:

    This sucks…this really sucks. Everything I read hits my situation right on the nail. I love my boyfriend alot. I really do. Things were starting out great and I thought I found the one. But I noticed he started disrespecting me by continuing to talk to girls he dated who still wanted him. I had respect for him by disconnecting all contact from previous guys I met but he couldn’t do the same. It got worst when one of them kept pestering him to go on a double date with us. Lately we’ve been getting into bigger fights. Some weekend’s are great and draws me closer to him. But if im cranky cuz I couldn’t sleep, he starts attacking me saying I disgust him for my attitude. Yes I don’t always do what I say. I have my faults but that’s no reason to say messed up things like that especially when the day or two before were problem free. I look back on our great times and miss them and try to make more. But it’s hard to approach him or try to be affectionate with him because he pushes me off saying I’m too emotional or needy…that hurts a lot.. Am I not supposed to want him? It pisses me off he hands out his number to strange girls and they hit him up for favors or he flirts with them because that makes him feel good…what am I? Chopped liver? I’ve been hurting so bad, just praying he’s just going through a phase but nothing’s changed. He keeps blaming me even when I try to approach him and be reasonable. I’m debating on leaving him but it’s so hard because I keep hoping he’d stop and realize how good he has it with me. I’ve been so loyal and try to help him out and enjoy him but he makes it harder. Some days he’s sweet and helps me or takes me out and tells me I’m the best girlfriend he’s ever had… But if I get upset over a little thing, he blows up on me telling me to get over it. I’ve had anxiety and depression and he doesn’t get it. Tells me it’s all in my head. Even when I’m sick at home he doesn’t go out of his way to help me feel better.. Even though I’ve gone out of my way to tend to him when he got sick.. I didn’t have to and he told me that. But I wanted to show him he mattered to me. Just sad he couldn’t always reciprocate that or respect me like I respected him.

    • nikki says:

      im 22 and my boyfriend and i just had a beautiful baby girl who will be 3 months in 3 days. I love my bf but he also is very disrespectful . He feels the need to call me a bitch from time to time. He also likes to blame me for everything that goes wrong with him. He would say its my fault he is behaving whatever way he is behaving . I work the graveyard shift at my job and i came home the other morning tired as usual after he picked me up. I showered and went in my bed to sleep while he still had our baby in his possession and i guess he wanted to go somewhere, so instead of him coming and placing our baby beside me in the bed and telling me he will be right back, he screamed my name on the top of his lungs frightening me out of my sleep. It appeared to him that I was upset because I didn’t want to keep our baby, but why in the hell would I be upset at something like that. I told him the reason I was upset was because of the way he went about the situation (screaming unneccessarily) but that did not stop him from telling me that I’m not ready to become a mother. Also the other day we had our last $20 and I spent it on a couple of groceries because we both was getting paid the next day. When he returned home and asked for the money and I told him I spent it on groceries, he threw a fit and continously called me names and yell at me. It just so happened that he wanted the money to buy drugs with. Some days he just wakes out of his bed with his man period on. He always tells me its because we live with my mother ( we moved with her because I knew nothing about newborn babies and I wanted my mom to show me the way). However, even when we are living by ourselves he is still really moody when he is ready. And I don’t know I feel like he loves me because although he is like this he always talks about our future together, he always cooks for me, he always tells me how much he makes and shares his money with me ,tells me out of all his past relationships I am the only one he can really get along with and enjoy being around. I feel like he is generally a good man I just hate it when he blames me for situations I cant control. And I hate it when he tries to belittle me. If he can cut these things out, he will be great, but I wonder the likelihood of that happening.

  119. Janie montoya says:

    I have a husband and have been struggling with him since I met him 23 years ago ,he has always drank beer and is a drug user ,but we have lives together off on on he can’t maintain a job for more than 3months and now he hasn’t worked for more than 7years and he lives in a trailer park which I pay his rent ,he took me my that under both of our names and I make the payment and insurance he is always taking money from me and I have tried so many times to help him out ,he accuses me that it’s my fault cause I made him that way as he accuses me of that past when he met me that I am easy and took him in right away and we have a daughter that is now 22 years old and doesn’t live with us he had a very hard life in Mexico his parents lived apart and basically raised by his alcoholic dad and 3 other children .he thinks I have affairs and wants me not to see any of my friends he goes thru my purse and calls people up on my cell phone ,yet I can’t see his cell phone and will not give me his number when I go to his place he has women so call friends stay with him and they spend the night he says they are his homies and he has never slept with them . Those women are homeless and they are always around the neighborhood and always at his place ,but he says to me that I have issues and it’s ok what he does 😦 I am 57 and he is 49 and those women are in their 30’s with tattoos and some chip broken teeth I just don’t know what to do I really feel sorry for him ,but all my fiends tell me to let go cause he is a looser and I should take care of my health ,I have Luis thyroid and MS and I don’t drink alcohol ,in reality I am not his type .. I know it’s my fault for slowing to insult me accuse me and he has never told me he loves me .i also fixed his papers ,he is from Mexico and he has never supported me or our daughter I am retired and burned out

  120. Maylin says:

    Where do I go get help

  121. Michrlle says:

    when I was telling my daughter
    To make sure her boyfriend carries his weight
    An d he needs to go out of his way,
    My husband chimed
    “ALL OPINIONS ARE LIKE ASSHOLES,EBERYONE HAS ONE”
    After he told me in private that her boyfriend was a creep
    She was crying but I still feel I was the scapegoat again and verbally and emotionally
    Abused
    Want do u think?
    Michelle

  122. HurleyGirL says:

    THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR SHARING! 😘 I NEEDED TO READ THIS TODAY!! I AM ALSO INVOLVED WITH SOMEBODY EXACTLY AS YOU DESCRIBE HERE, VERBATIM, CHARACTERISTIC AFTER ABUSING CHARACHTERISTIC…I ENDED IT YESTERDAY AFTER BANGING MY BANGING MY HEAD AGAINST THE WALL SO MANY TIMES, I JUST COULDN’T BEAR THE EMOTIONAL ALONENESS ANYMORE & BECAME EXHAUSTED TRYING TO MAKE A LOVING RELATIONSHIP ON MY OWN!!! I APPRECIATE YOU SHARING THIS INFORMATION, I PRAY I CAN CUT ALL TIES FOR GOOD FROM NOW ON ! TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOU & YOURS GOD BLESS!!🙏🏻👏🏻👍🏻💋🙌🏼

  123. VANI says:

    I have been married for 23 years, i wouldnt say all the years were bad. It all started when my husband started his own business from home and then started playing golf, staying out late every night and coming home late drunk. When he is home he is drinking. Tried to talk to him to make him see reason and I to get help he would brush me off saying I’m overreacting he does not have a drinking problem and I am controlling and I fight with my kids so I am the problem. I cry myself to sleep every night, I am so lonely. I have never expressed what I go through to anybody. I want to leave but cant seem to take the first step, i dont want a messy divorce, I dont want the house to be sold or him to lose his business as its my kids legacy.. I always put on a happy persona but i am hurting so bad that I want to scream and cry but try to maintain my composure for my kids. Sometimes I feel my life is worthless and if I am not around I wont be missed. .

  124. s m says:

    I have found great solace in your article. As many people have mentioned this article explains exactly my ex partner. In the beginning my ex would minimise my achievements and put me down or compete with me as if he was jealous rather than being encouraging. There were lots of little red flags that had me concerned but I was falling in love with him and I didn’t trust my instincts we moved in together after 6 months.
    Not long after a guy friend of mine asked me to a concert. It was completely innocent -this guy has a long term girlfriend and we have been pals for years. I told my ex months in advance but on the night he threw a tantrum. I still went as he’d done this before I rarely see my male friends because of his jealously and I was keen not to let him control me in this way. By 10pm I was home but he had booked a plane ticket and left the country without telling me – I couldn’t believe it! He sent me a video of him walking out of the airport into the sunshine as revenge. (though he never admitted that it was revenge)
    … despite all this I thought it was just teething pains in our relationship. He was immature and that things would sort themselves out in time … but it just got worse. He put a lot of strain on me by always picking horrendus fights over the most trivial things like leaving a cup on the table or something. He kicked down two doors in my home. I also injured my back about 8 months into the relationship and I was so upset coming to realise that my life long passion and career as a dancer and stuntwoman was over. This was an awful time for me and I had the constant reminder from him of what I was missing out on in my career as he was in a similar field and making a success of it. He didn’t acknowledge my loss whatsoever or offer me any support. Again he minimised what I was going through like it was nothing. If I mentioned my back hurting or feeling upset about my loss then he would shout at me and critise me saying how that’s all I ever talk about even though I stopped to mention it entirely. He just couldn’t stand the focus not to be on himself. He demanded sex constantly – 3times a day in the beginning. It was so exhausting. And even though I was in pain it was easier just to give in rather than face him sulking for days at best or being hurtful and spiteful or possibly breaking something to scare me at worst.
    When I started to rebuild my life in a new direction he couldn’t stand it even though he had his own things going on. He had the career that I lost really taking off for him and it took a great deal of courage from me to pick myself up and be supportive and encouraging of him in this. I on the other hand was starting from scratch and again he was there minimising all my achievements. If I talked about my day he would quickly change the subject back to himself. He sulked every night when I came home from school and in the end he just became completely detached. He also started looking at other women that he met through work and the bad feeling I had in the pit of my stomach just started getting unbearable. His picking arguments with me became even worse and he put absolutely no effort into the relationship yet still it was so hard to leave him. He even got his mother to call me and in efforts to get me back. I went back to him once and after 2 days on the night before the anniversary of my fathers death he punched a wall 6 times with all his strength in front of me and pointed in my face and said that’s you I want to do that to.
    …. I could see how it was escalating from verbal and emotional abuse to physical abuse.
    The emotional abuse was the worst for me. I’ve been a shell of myself! I am such a fighter in life, I mean seriously I am a really gutsy person but this guy destroyed me. I was rock bottom and even 2 months on it is taking every bit of strength I have just to get through the day sometimes! He really broke me. I’m now seeing a councillor and rebuilding my life – career and support network of friends.
    As you said nobody who loves and cares for you would make you feel this bad.
    I hope that women and men effected around the World can find the strength and support to leave their abusive partners and thank you so much for this article! Really really appreciate this!
    ps I also read the book ‘Why does he do that?’ It’s definitely worth a read for anyone suffering in this situation.

  125. Anonymous says:

    I think the word “him” is unnecessarily used to the extent that it is pushing your own personal point of view and biased opinions on people. Who are already vonerable, and quite possibly a man. This would be uplifting to see for him do you think? Maybe there’s a possibility women aren’t the only ones affected by this.

  126. Nathalzie says:

    Omg , im in tears , this is all too real for me, my reality for 9 years nearly 10 since my 20 years old. It the first time i google something like this but now i know im not crazy

  127. Sue says:

    Hi thank you for allowing me to see myself!! This article is my life of19 years. First it was subtle but now you have described my partner so well it has scared me into action. He has been trying to engage me into arguments everyday, usually to justify and blame me for his shocking sad behaviour. It’s hard not to respond. Today he cut up my credit cards and cut up some of my cash. The rest he put in his pocket. It’s not a prinkem other than how it makes me feel. Sadness for him. I have always tried to overlook his behaviour because I no he is mentally unbalanced.

  128. KRISHNAVENI, PARASHU CHENJI'S ( participant from Deloitte/India) MOTHER. says:

    I’am in the same boat like all u women..its draining traumatic n depressing leading me with suicidal tendencies more than thrice in a span of just 6 to 8 months in my marriage the worst part was teaming with my ex husband a bigamist n atrociously alleging my character and reaching my 2sons n trying to poison their mind against me and afcoz did not spare any of my relations wid friends kith n kin n my social n spiritual org. associates.. he totally tarnished n devastated my life n showed me hell.he suppressed d fact to me that his late mother was a violent schzophrenic patient who died in a mental asylum. today the legal battle is on as i need justice from both the marriages where i claimed zero alimony n let go by forgiving my ex even though he committed bigamy … it was very unfair on him to encourage my husband who has hatched criminal conspiracies.. I have been living this torture 24/7 n feel trapped…as he is so wicked n dangerous.
    i sincerely write that iam a great believer in the almighty and know that he is the only one taking care of me n rescuing me to eventually find justice n peace. thank u o lord n thank u all for ur support. may god bless u all too wid success peace n happiness.

  129. Terri h. says:

    My husband to a t. I’ve been living with this behavior too long. How at this point do i cope with this until I can get out? I try to escape to my room but he keeps barging in with his psycho rantings and ravings. I have been told I’m a genetic failure and when he’s around me and mine he feels he’s wallowing in filth, I’ve been called everything imaginable. It’s horrible plus he’s usually been drinking. But he’s miserable even when he’s sober (if ever). I’m the bread winner and have been for a very long time. I need some time to arrange my getaway but this horror never seems to end. I need a coping mechanism have no where to escape to. Help!!!

  130. Princess Clark says:

    I’m exactly in this place. My husband is horrible o me. Exactly as described. I keep denying the truth. Refusing to believe ANYONE could be such a monster. I’ve wasted a decade of my life waiting for the good guy in him to show up. Waiting on date night, vacations, waiting. I’m isolated and embarrassed as he’s gone on with his life. We live in the same house. Why won’t I stop trying to talk to him? Begging him to talk to me. He will apologize then treat me badly. I could use someone to talk to. My name is Princess Clark. 904-521-0111 I live in Florida.

  131. Cheri dieter says:

    One small example, my husband who encouraged my daughter his step daughter to get my attention in public places by whistling at me like they are calling a dog. I was in a home made swimming pond at our campsight playing with our 8 year old son and tried to ignore it, and hide my 8 year old from hearing them call me in a crowd like an animal. When I finally got out if pond with my son they were acting angry that I did not acknowledge them and their dog calls, I was holding back tears but broke down and admitted that I heard it from the start but so ashamed that they’d treat me like that in a very crowded pool so I pretended and protected my son from seeing his father belittle me like that. My daughter 17 and husband were furious at me for not being able to take a joke and being so sensitive and overly emotional, accused me of being mentally unstable about a simple funny little joke and told me I needed to grow up and act like a 45 year old woman instead of a child, they proceeded to tell me that it’s obvious I’m in that mood and will ruin the whole weekend for everyone now so they shouldn’t have even should up to visit us at swimming pool I don’t appreciate that they came over from our campsight. The rest of weekend my 17 year old daughter attacked me for being a bitch to my husband all the time and couldn’t believe he’s still married to me at all cause I always take things and twist them to ruin all the fun. I constantly nag at him because he ignores me or excludes me and he can’t stand to listen to you cry all the time. My husband and his step daughter who is mine from first marriage spent rest of weekend making snide facial snarls raising lip at me, avoiding me in conversations by not giving me eye contact or including me in their conversations, would not acknowledge any question or conversation I started, interrupted me every time I said something, I tried to hold tears back whole two days but if they say me teary eyed again I’d get accused of needing to get it together, need professional help, always ruin the fun and husband told me my kids can’t stand to be around me cause I act like this. We did drive separately that weekend and my daughter wanted to go to city shopping so I took her so she would be nice to me. All weekend she made fun of my swim suit four years old but told me that was a lie but elastic was worn out and she said I’m embarrassing cause boobs fell out, at mall I found a clearance suit. She walked away from me in mall and took off cussing me out I bought a suit and if she doesn’t get fed that week or goes without the things I suppose to buy I’m fucking pathetic, at food court we were going to share a huge portion of Chinese which of course I bought but when I asked for a second plate she told cashier she can get her own meal she spent all of our money on a new suit so I’m not sharing a bite, she ate two servings of Chinese, I called my husband to explain she screamed at me for being a fucking baby and run to Timmy tell him you spent all the grocery and food money on a new suit, my yellow dot suit cost $17.94. Less than chineses, I started crying got up to go to bathroom she got up and she weighs 220 began to pound me with her upper thighs kicking me until I fell into a chair. I ran out of mall and she started screaming for security her mother was beating and kicking her. She called my husband I was beating her to drive 2 1/2 hours to come get her cause his wife went insane at the mall started in about the dog calling again and she won’t get in car with me, my husband would not take my call for 1/2 hour as a sat in my car frozen, he finally answered and informed me that I needed to find Samantha and get her home, she texted me saying my husband told her I’d better start doing some making up to her fast and apologize whatever it takes, he denied saying that she insisted he said that. He said regardless I’m not driving up their to go get her figure it out. After 2 hours I waited in parking lot she came out, told me Tim was PUSSED and probably if he doesn’t divorce me this time she’d be surprised. I sled her to stop please. She went in how mad my husband was at me for beating her in mall, that absolutely did not happen the opposite and all food venders witnessed me falling into the food court tables I weigh 118, she weighs 220, I drove to mall exit and she started screaming I was trying to kill her with my driving- no she grabbed my whelk cranked it in the mall exit street and rambled me up a curb then idk how but leaned seat back pulled her legs up towards me and started kicking at full force her feet into my stomach ricks arms and took her phone and released ly beat my head and face with it. She then opened her door like she was jumping out , I was obviously stopped up in curb of mall exit road, screaming my mother is trying to run me over. I told her to exit the car immediately I would ball her a cab to nearest grey hound station and take a bus home she dared me. I had actually dialed my husband who heard part of what he choose to hear and told me I needed to get it under control and get home safely. After another half hour if her finally she broke her phone throwing it at my head I ducked and it cracked on wind shield. She started crying finally fell asleep and I stater fed driving the 2 1/2 hours home scared to death every second shed wake up and pull me into ditch, it took four hours of me going 40 mph to get home. My husbands only reaction was you to just can’t get along and shouldn’t spend time together, I had bruises all over arms legs face, I got reprimanded and silent treatment that night by him because once again I’m a 45 year old woman who needs to learn how to handle her children. And this probably wouldn’t have even happened but you made weekend so miserable because of a little teasing you made it into s huge ordeal like everything so obviously she’d just had enough of your emotionally unstable behavior . That’s was it. He told her that she is stronger than she thinks and shouldn’t distract a driver. That’s only a short 40 hour period of time. I get reprimanded blamed silent treatment excluded from conversations not acknowledged of my questions such as how many people should I prepare supper for tonight. Or if we are at table talking I will not be looked at he and who he am chooses as his buddy this week will lean away from me engaging in their own personal conversation, if we go out to eat he asks me what I want a set up, I say one place he says no I want Mexican and drives right their, many times he knows I cannot eat the things in the menu or dislike those choices as to why I don’t choose such places, I do not eat fried foods, he will order example at this Mexican restaurant I fido use because it is filthy dirty, glasses stuck on food, do not care for chorizo at all or the pico or the green salsa, or the menu squid and octopus I cannot tolerate the taste or texture regardless it was my birthday I asked if we could just go to Applebee’s after only after he asked me where I’d like to go and if I’d invited all the kids and grown kids to join us for my birthday dinner, well no I don’t plan my own birthday parties I do plan every detail of his mine ours and his birthday parties cake candles presents sunrises reservations,,, anyway he asks if I’d like an app, I said I’d live one the Mexican melted cheese with jakelaneos but can we skip the chorizo please? He orders the app asking for the one with chorizo and leave jalepeneos. Exactly opposite of what I asked for. I softly asked waitress if I could get a side of them and just picked off chiropodist as best I could. He ordered his favorite fish tacos and I asked server for her suggestion she suggested some garlic sauce crab leg shrimp great. Got it and the bowl was so full of Alfredo sauce the one crab leg was under 3 inches of Alfredo, three shriveled up shrimp but when I said whatever obviously the 3 inch crab leg was to soggy to crack but I acted like I’d just pretend it was soup which it actually was and I took a small spoonful and it almost burnt my tastebuds with the huge amount inedible saltiness, I live salty foods, I salt everything, my husband asked me if I was enjoying my meal even tho I wasn’t eating it, I said I’m so sorry but it so incredibly salty it hurts to taste it, it’s worse than a a salt like, farm girl that yes I’ve kicked cow salt blocks, he obviously did not take my word for it at all by saying oh geeze il get her over here to get you something edible, or anything empathetic other than argumentative that I’m sure it can’t be that bad you just don’t like what you asked waitress to suggest cause you can’t ever make up your mind, I bet it’s not that bad as he took a bite, not at all agreeing with me that indeed it tasted as if a whole container of sea salt was in my bowl of Alfredo sauce covering my 3 inch crab leg and wherever the three shrimp were in the bottom, the menu described the dish with a light garlic white wine butter not a jar af salty Alfredo. Whatever, he took his taste and said well he couldn’t tell if it was too salty cause it’s to spicy with the jalepenos and that’s all he could taste, there was not a single spec of jakepenros in that fish, not on menu ingredients, not in front of me not a spec or bit of juice ibviously since I had to get them on the side on the app first of all so not to taint his chorizo cheese dip. So I’ve been a food and beverage manager 10 years, home cook making 4 course gourmet type meals for my family and started cooking at the age of 10 with my mom as a farmers daughter I know my seasoning very well . He couldn’t back me if my inedible dish bring too salty to tai tress who stopped and asked us about or meal but did tell her since I didn’t touch it other than him telling me at least dig out the crab leg and eat that so I tried covered up to top knuckles in Alfredo to find it too soggy to get open, and of course he told me I needed to clean my fingers off, he told waitress he couldn’t tell cause he didn’t like the hot peppers but my wife seems to thinknitsctoo salty. She took my plate, no one asked me if I’d like something else, he did not offer me a bit if his last 1/4 of his three large fish tacos or ask me if I wanted something else or Asher, just finished his tacos and complained of being too full to order desert now his tacos were fabulous but we don’t need desert because we’ve eaten enough- that is the only think I live on the menu and even in the car told him instead of he knowing the restaurant was unsanitary and knew it had been closed twice already but same owners that I’m not fond of their menu but I can’t wait for the cal ton crouch fried icecream. I asked him if we could still get it- I was hungry I don’t eat the whole day if I know we’re going out for supper he knows that, he said no he’s to full. No candle no desert no last bite of his over filling tacos, nothing. I excused myself before bill came telling him I was going to go to truck a minute, I burst into humiliating tears
    The year before on my 45 th birthday was only weekend he wasn’t coaching in 7 months we had my 45 birthday open, my daughter asked me two weeks prior what are the plans for it I said idk I’m not planning my own part, she said oh well let’s all do something I said thanks I’d really appreciate that cause Tim doesn’t have tourney only weekend since feb, my birthday is October 19, two days before my birthday weekend my husband called and asked what I had planned for the week ended, I said well it’s my 45 and I was pretty excited it happened when he wasn’t having tournament and told him my daughter asked about doing something he asked what, I said I don’t know just asked me, his tone instantly changed into interrogation and doubt as if I was lying about something and responded we’ll il call her right now and ask her exactly what she said, I said what? Why? I told you exactly what she just said, he got quite angry and cold that she didn’t say anything to him and he thought that was odd that ud say that she asked she didn’t ask him it’s his step daughter,?well so is she planning something for you, I said idk, well il ask her exactly what she asked you about this weekend not saying it’s my birthday at all then jabbed at me well did you make arrangements or plann anything? What exactly did you want to do, I said I was just grateful that this is a free weekend perfect time G on my 45 and just really wanted to have us all spend or do something together for my birthday. He said week all the parents called me and are telling me that their is a tourney that I should sign their daughters up for a last minute opportunity and it is my responsibility to parents and my team to give them all the PPP available to them so I can’t disappoint these parents who pay dues for thei kids to get as much playing time it’s my moral obligation to them, I said but Tim it’s my birthday and it would mean so much to me if we could celebrate my 45 as a family and Sam wanted to, he accused me of twisting what Sam said, then why hasn’t she planned a party for you then, I said please this means so much to me it’s been so long since you’ve been home, he said your birthday just isn’t that big of a deal, il pole the parents of who many care about your birthday to their child opportunity to play ball I’m sure 100% will be in favor of this tournament if you think they care about your birthday rather than their kids getting to play in a thorns ment, you can celebrate a birthday any day of the year. He told me I was being selfish and unsupportive. I asked him why he even asked for my opinion then anyway, he said well cause you get so PUSSED when I send out mass emails about schedule changes or extra practices or info if I don’t tell you first and you bitch you have to find out what your life is going to look like this month by getting a mass email from me so I thought id just be nice this time so you wouldn’t bitch at me when you get an email where excepting this open spot in this weekends tourney. 5 minutes after he hung up again annoyed and disgusted with me for being assertive and looking forward to family time I receive am his mass email, great news! I just got a call from a tournament Mgr who said a team dropped out and asked if we wanted this spot, I signed us up for it– no parents on his team had been begging him to sign up for this tourney, only one parent was aware that that town held your ys cause he is a math teacher there. That’s the small stuff.

    • KRISHNA says:

      thank you mam… so true.
      kindly send more true stories n the PAP’s victims/spouse experiences

  132. Elizabeth says:

    This article describes my husband to a T!!! I’ve been physically abused by him, several times during our 27 year marriage, the last time was 5 1/2 years ago. I’ve become MUCH stronger over the past 4 years!!! I have told him, if he EVER lays a hand on me again, I will have him arrested, and I will!!!!!! I should have left years ago, but I didn’t! I am financially unable to leave now, and no, that’s not an excuse, I would leave in a minute if I could afford it! I’m almost 64 years old, work part-time, and draw social security. I have 5 dogs, and 2 horses, that are “my family!” I cannot give them up! My grown children live fairly close, are married, and have children. They definitely would not be willing to help me in any way! My husband has an extremely small amount of retirement, and we are under water on our house. My only option is to stay and lead my own life. I’ve been a single lonely married woman for 27 years, so nothing has really changed. I have NO respect for my husband, we sleep in different rooms, and only communicate when we have to. It makes me incredibly sad, to know that this is how I am going to spend my, “Golden Years!”

  133. Anonymous says:

    please send this article to my e-mail which is jforster46@gmail.com
    thank you
    yes I have a problem like this boyfriend is like this all the way and I am really fed up, I want to move out, but do not have the money so what can I do, plus I have animals. please send this to me thank you

    • Anonymous says:

      Same :/ i feel stuck. Im trying my hardest to get away on my own but i have to go through this before i can.

  134. neh says:

    It has been really helpful in understanding the years old confusion that I suffered.Gave me clarity in setting the right approach I should hold towards life.

    • Anonymous says:

      yes we thank you for helping us ..else the abuse is endless. apart from my own husband making my life miserable i see so many women victimized and suffering endlessly.. its like living on an edge every moment …

  135. Nadine says:

    I’ve been dealing with this for most of my life and it doesn’t get any easier. My husband has extreme mood swings and is verbally abusive.I try to ignore him he blames me for everything.Everything he lacks,he blamed me.I don’t react as much as I use to.I try not to fall into the victim role,and blame myself. I see that this is his problem and I don’t need to be responsible for his actions

  136. Anonymous says:

    To Denise..wow your post really hit home for me. My husband also had MS. I have been married to him for about 20 years. I see the daily struggles he goes through just to perform basic tasks such as getting dressed ect. He refuses out side help and falls often. I am at my wits end. I can no longer pick him up when he falls with out hurting my self. He verbally abuses me for not helping him. He yells at himself when he can’t do something. My heart goes out to him. I am at my wits end. There is no joy or happiness in our home. I know I could leave him but the guilt is overwhelming due to his declining health. Debbie

  137. Pamla says:

    Really good article. I was in a marriage and my husband displayed all of the characteristics listed. I was emotionally broken being in the relationship and left. I’m currently separated and he claims to love me more than he has ever loved anyone. I advised him I’d hate to see his enemy, if he loved me the most. I went back previously and his behavior became worst. I have decided to stay clear of him. I am going to take some time to myself.

    • Ally says:

      Was he unfaithful to you? My fiancé has my mom like idk. I can’t explain it or their relationship but they both lie to me. And I could t even leave him if I tried BC my mom is always telling me to stay and I feel trapped almost honestly BC I’m not working he is. He drives. He has the money. He has the car. And I just want all of that for myself also BC I want to be able to depend on myself just my daughter and me if need be and that’s the lords will one day.

    • Anonymous says:

      Good for you!!

  138. Jane says:

    I put up with a man like this for 18mths he could go out all weeks d and do what ever he wanted then blamed me for causing him to stay away i got moaned at for speaking to male and female friends i was constantly called idiot ….he never wanted me but didn’t want to be the bad one that left the relationship i ended it and throw him out my house im left with debt but i don’t have the hassle or abusive ….the only person he loomed out for was himself

  139. sonet snyman says:

    Thanx..been in relationship for 10 years…he was the most amazing person ..changed after a few years…was engaged to him for 4years…lived with him..there were good days but he told me more than 40times to foff out of his house…swearing me from time to time…he slapped me through the face…always told me my kids are fup…i could never buy my children anything…he waa so charming in the beginning…i loved him so much…we were still in a relationship til a month ago…he became so cold towards me..hardly ever spoke to me…i use to go to him …mon..tue..thur…every second wkend…when he did not had his son of 14…cooked and always was in love with him…when i get to his house sometimes i could see that he is irrated with me…sometimes even said…u shouldnt have come…i am not in the mood to talk…in 1year since i have been living with my children 24…and21..he never picked me up to take me out with him…where he always drinks and visit his friends….he did not see me for a week …never came and greeted me…and told me over the phone he is picking up his ex and son…for school play…been divorced 10 years….i sweared at him and told him to take her…and to leave me alone….dropped the phone in his ear…been over a month now…we havent spoken…and i will not phone him as i did nothing wrong…i am hearbroken..i never sweared at him ever first…he would start arguments out of the blue…dont tell me when he was going somewhere..never touched me anymore…not ecen if there were no fights…please help me….i am devistated.. feels used…secondbest!!

  140. Sue says:

    Thanx..been in relationship for 10 years…he was the most amazing person ..changed after a few years…was engaged to him for 4years…lived with him..there were good days but he told me more than 40times to foff out of his house…swearing me from time to time…he slapped me through the face…always told me my kids are fup…i could never buy my children anything…he waa so charming in the beginning…i loved him so much…we were still in a relationship til a month ago…he became so cold towards me..hardly ever spoke to me…i use to go to him …mon..tue..thur…every second wkend…when he did not had his son of 14…cooked and always was in love with him…when i get to his house sometimes i could see that he is irrated with me…sometimes even said…u shouldnt have come…i am not in the mood to talk…in 1year since i have been living with my children 24…and21..he never picked me up to take me out with him…where he always drinks and visit his friends….he did not see me for a week …never came and greeted me…and told me over the phone he is picking up his ex and son…for school play…been divorced 10 years….i sweared at him and told him to take her…and to leave me alone….dropped the phone in his ear…been over a month now…we havent spoken…and i will not phone him as i did nothing wrong…i am hearbroken..i never sweared at him ever first…he would start arguments out of the blue…dont tell me when he was going somewhere..never touched me anymore…not ecen if there were no fights…please help me….i am devistated.. feels used…secondbest!!

  141. Ally says:

    I absolutely love this and relate to the experiences spoken of in what’s written. I literally go through all of those. My dude lied to me for over 2 years until after we had our daughter about his age, at the end of March 2015 I found out by accident that the man I had my first child with and went through the hardest and roughest times if my life with him though. We have been together literally every day all day well we were together all day everyday for the first two and a half years. Anyways I found out that he wasn’t turning 31 that July he was turning 38. And I could t believe he had lied to me for so long. But he swore never again and even though I knew not to believe it in my gut. I wanted to or stayed in denial BC I loved him and was scared to be alone. Now after that we moved from San Fiego to Baltimore tone near my mom. She gave him a job, is a house, car. Everything. When we met were homeless well he was and I lived in Mexico. But ok at the end of last year my baby brother over dosed and died. He was 21. Before hat though. My little sisters best friend started working the front desk at my mom and fiances work. He lied to me about her working there. Tried to leave it out. My little sisters best friend? He said I could t handle him being around someone so you d and pretty. He had to drive her alone. 24 year old decent looking girl to houses alone to show for people to rent. I started feeling after that he had cheated on me but my gut didn’t feel super wrong and connect it all until the beginning of this year when I found out he had face booked with a girl he dated twenty years ago and said no he never talked to her. Even after I showed him the entire thread under a picture I had posted of us three him I and our daughter and I never saw. BC see I never thought I had any reason not to trust him until the age thing and even after that I still didn’t. But what started to not make sense in my head was that I was never jealous at all. Even after I found out he lied but I wondered why later BC before the girl ever worked there she had been at our house watching a boxing match with my sis and some of her friend s but I was upstairs with the baby. So we had all already hung out

    Then he started to text a 25 year old girl who was a potential tenant. Mind you my guy does maintenance type. Work for my moms propert management company that has 350 properties. Not all filled.

    Anyways he then was texting with one of the lady contractors or sub contractors always meeting up with her. Like aASAP ANYTIME SHE ASKED. Then he lied about having to show a house to an older woman and her two male roommates. He said she was 60 or so and two men with her

    Later it clicked and didn’t make sense and I read a text that I had seen in his phone but no name saved just the number. Well he had texted her five different times different days. He asks if she was coming to the office to sign her lease that her two roommates were there and I said why and he said idk she told me yes she was coming and I felt stupid. He would’ve only felt stupid if it was BC he liked her or idk whatever T. Well I texted and he said go ahead I asked her age and he held to his story until she finally texted back and said she was 25. He lied about being in a white woman’s house fixing the lights. He told me the ex girl from twenty years ago was his best friend GARYS gf at the time and he didn’t know why he did It. But I said no you already told me about that girl and her name was ally. Same as me. Well found out they dated and fucked and he got her pregnant but had a girlfriend who he had already gotten pregnant who was gonna have and did have an abortion call he other girl names and he told he she was lying she wasn’t pregnant it wasn’t his

    Now I know people can change. That particular event was in the 90s. But these recent ones??? I still think he cheated and he won’t admit it. He mad me truly believe I was totally crazy like psych ward crazy. Today I know I’m not. H finally admitted to being a compulsive liar. And said he would get help. Therapy by still hasn’t but I have to go to therapy. When he is the one who kept lying and making me feel insane and calling me insane. I couldn’t go for a walk without him getting mad and didn’t talk to anyone for months. All the while thinking wtf it must be me. But it wasn’t just m. It was him too. All along

    So I guess I’m writing for feed back. Do you guys or girls I mean or any of y’all think he cheated and is lying. I found out he lied about his age to the mother of his first and only other child also. He told me that he met her had sex one time and she was pregnant and had to break up with his current girlfriend.

    I man I know people can change. And he is always home with us and is a great dad but before. I just still feel like there is something that I will never know. And I want out. But when I tell him I can’t trust him and I don’t want to be with him anymore and I can’t live like this anymore. If he would just tell me and I could have closure maybe we could work through it which I know probably sounds insane of me to do but I do love him. I can see myself being with someone else though someone who knows what they have when they have it and doesn’t manipulate people. He says that he never talks about any of this to anyone but he does o my mom and everyone else and is constantly trying to make me look crazy.

    In fact the other day I was on the phone with him and he was at a job that his boss was gonna be pulling up at and other guys were working mind you his boss is my moms bf. Anyways I said Tommy why do act like this and he started going omg I can’t believe you there’s no girls here your crazy and boss is coming to then blow my phone up with TEZTS when I hung up on him. He doesn’t believe I’m done. He calls them stupid lies but that’s just it if they were stupid and meant nothing like he says then why even tell him. If there is something I all of a sudden think omg I need to keep this from my man that is my sign o tell him

    So do you all think he cheated and if so is still doing it. There are tons and tons of dating websites on his phone j tweet history and milfshookup.com dating gold.com fuckbook im sorry for th language as I’m new and don’t know the rules but I just feel like he is playing me and I don’t want any part of it anymore and I think he will always lie to me no matter what. BC he still does. Even now. After promising not too for two years almost now. And the Internet thing. The aol and aim login password change and lookups and all this and that I just don’t understand. He says he has never been on a dating or singles site ever. So why are they there with an account. With his email. The POF APP. OMG IVE GOTTA STOP. BC THIS LIST IS NEVERENDING.

  142. Anon says:

    I really needed this right now. Scrolled down google and chose only this article specifically and it did not disappoint. Thank you…..

  143. Survivor says:

    This blog really hit home with me. I walked away from my marriage of 21 years 9 months ago, but at times still struggle with my decision. Because despite all the the points you discuss in the blog being present in my marriage he also acted as if he adored me at other times – which I still find confusing. He was my first love which really was hard to let go of despite the emotional pain he caused me. But I realise now that somebody who truly loves you would never want to be so hurtful towards you.

  144. Survivor says:

    This blog really hit home with me. I walked away from my marriage of 21 years 9 months ago, but at times still struggle with my decision. Because despite all the the points you discuss in the blog being present in my marriage he also acted as if he adored me at other times – which I still find confusing. He was my first love which really was hard to let go of despite the emotional pain he caused me. But I realise now that somebody who truly loves you would never want to be so hurtful towards you.

    • Andrea says:

      I was there too…I too thought, oh but he seems to adore me. And he also was my first love. But I remember the times he made me cry and saw me cry and did not feel a things. He did not care. But when he cried and faked tears to manipulate me…He wanted me to be there and told me i was selfish. I am glad to see I am not the only one feeling like this. But I am too glad I left him and I never ever made contact with him again. we even are in two separate countries now.

  145. Mariee says:

    My boyfriend is sometimes lovely to me but if i do something or go somewhere he starts giving out and normally i would be in tears from him, dis could happen twice a wk if not more.. Like dis mornin i was takin him somewhere nd told him my sister was goin too, he started roarin at me in front of family members i had to leave the house coz felt so embrassed wit da way he spoke to me.. Nd he went drinkin all day nd just keeps nagging at me nd throw an object at me but didnt hit me so i dnt no did he actually want to hit me wit it or what.. Im just so afraid every night ge goes drinking dat he will do sonething to me..

  146. lori smith says:

    omg This has been my life for the past 4 years.
    i am now absolutely positive that I am filing for divorce on monday!

  147. Deb says:

    This is my husband of 28 years to a T.
    The stress from this behavior had given me 8 heart attacks and i have suffered other chronic illnesses because of his abuse.
    If I could do so I would leave and get divorced but at this point there is just no way to do so, being I now have special needs .
    If only I would have heard this kind of thing many years ago. this would have saved me and my children from a lot of heartache and other problems.

  148. Donna says:

    where can i go i have no one and this is my life ever day.no money to leave he controls everthing.im at my end.

    • HopelessInOhio says:

      I feel so bad for you – as I am in a similar situation. He has sucked out every bit of self I had left. Today he sent me a horrible nasty mean message with a very terrible visual aid with it. Needless to say I don’t know if or when we will ever be able to be intimate again after that.

      My situation is slightly different in that I’m the sole breadwinner of our family. He just won’t leave. No matter how many times I have asked him to or told him to go, he won’t. And the kids beg me to let him stay – that is the hardest.

      I’m just so… hopeless.

  149. CC says:

    Thank you for this post. It was much needed…

  150. Jennifer C Reed says:

    I am in a HORRIBLE relationship right now. He’s so freaking hurtful, as if he hates me. He says the most hurtful things I have ever heard. I have never been in an emotional abusive relationship till now. He’s 50, he says that I’m pitiful and pathetic. He won’t have sex with me, (no matter how much I beg) He has zero to none respect for me. I listen as he voice texts other women asking them how they are doing, telling them comforting words, but then watch as he turns around and calls me names. He swears up and down that he loves me, but I don’t believe him. Everytime I ask him to go out with me, (to eat or on a date) he tells me no. He won’t cuddle with me at night. We never do anything romantic. He drinks beer everyday and sometimes smokes weed and heavier drugs. Everyone tells me that he don’t want me or that he doesn’t love me. He says he does. His best friend can’t stand that we are together, she talks bad about him, he still talks to her. She belittles me when they talk on the phone, he doesn’t tell her to stop. He’s been physically violent a couple times and says that it’s my fault that he did it. He says I’m to hard headed. I am heartbroken because I honestly love this man… But I don’t think he honestly loves me. When I tell him that he wouldn’t miss me, he opens the door then closes it right before I get to it.

    • Andrea says:

      sweetie, I hope you read this soon enough. I was in a similar situation. I realized he never loved me after things and facts hit me right in the face. I had to see it for myself. I was once in denial…honey I think you are in denial this time. I understand that you have an idea of who he is in your mind and in your mind he loves you and he doesnt mean any of those bad words…you perhaps even thought you have not been the best prtner…am I right? The problem is he doesnt even love himself. Honey, please….get out as soon as you can. Dont wait for anything worse to happen. I understand you feel like he needs help and you think he might even hurt himself if you leave….he wont. And he will keep abusing you. please be safe. Find a friend and let him or her know what you are going through. It helped me open my eyes and after things hit the fan…I already knew I needed to be out. He was indeed cheating. He told me I fell in love with her…but you are the one I love. (that doesnt even make sense!!!) Honey they are sick and they dont want help…or love. They see love as weakness. They use good hearted women to feed their egos and to feel not so so lonely every day. I understand where you are…you dont know what to do and what will happen. Is someone ever gonna love me? sweetie, things will fall into place. But first things first, walk away. Start thinking of how you will walk away, so when you make up your mind you are sure about your decision. otherwise we can have setbacks and go back to them…be strong. you can and you should walk away.

  151. Andrea says:

    I just read this…It felt relieving to know I made the right choice to walk away and keep away from a man who matches every sentence on this article. He even cheated on me numerous times…and I found out because he fell into an emotional crisis because one of his “girls” decided she saw him as a friend. so naturally he came back to his safe option (according to him) me. he never said talking to many other women was wrong. He acknowledged that he did but never ever said it was wrong. This arrtie matches him exactly. It really hurt me…I was living a relationship in my mind…forgetting the abuse and tears. Every time he made me cry I qlways thought…this will get better. He had a bad day at work…I should help him smile again. I am the one to make him a happy man. But as this article quoted…he resented me and just felt intimidated by me. Reading this helps me open my eyes more and more. If you are in a relationship…and feel something is wrong…you feel miserable very frequently…If you feel forgotten and mistreated…If you think he is not that faithful…please listen to your instinct. I used to read these articles and think: nah, that is not happening to me…he gets angry but then he apologizes and hugs me and makes me laugh. Red flag!! If he truly loved me he would never abuse me. He saw me crying and said: oh here you go, again! in a sarcastic way. I now remember many events and realize I overlooked the abuse. So please…even if he seems harmless and sweet and even shy…but you dont feel loved and you feel like your self esteem is going to the floor…leave sweety…please do it on time. I waited until he rubbed in my face all the awful things he thought about me. He never never showed that face to me…It felt like i was talking to a different person. But that was actually his true self. Please…think about this. I used to be the girl who thought this was not my case. But I always knew i felt worse each day. And…he was indeed a momma’s boy. He had a sick relationship with her. Like husband and wife. His mother was his idol. I was the other woman to them. She attacked me and hated me. She sought for my friends to make up lies about me. But it backfired. I am glad to be gone.

  152. Marcy says:

    I’m in a relationship that describes the qualities of this unhealthy nature. He curses me, makes threats and humiliates me to my friends, family and Co workers. He doesn’t not accept fault and when I try to communicate my feelings, he ignores what I’m saying and acts like I’m attacking him. He also plays the victim role to everyone else and tries to make me look like the bad person. He let’s everyone know our problems and convinces them to feel sorry for him. He seems to feel unaccomplished in life so he does wild things to make matters worst. He’s managed to push my family away and anyone who is willing to help me get better. I feel hopeless and depressed most of the time. Most of all, I feel very alone.

  153. Lori Jackson says:

    I so need help!! He is everything you mentioned and then some…but he says if I leave him he will put everything in his brothers name! Which btw he makes even more than my husband has ever made!!! He. Says he’ll do it out of spite

  154. karol says:

    This is my life for 25 years, I am not just chronically ill but terminally ill, I have no money, no nothing and can’t get out.

  155. Brooklin Beaton says:

    Very well written post!
    I decided to look for answers as to why my ex (baby daddy) treated me so badly when I read this post I cried, he had all of this signs.. I’m a teenage soon to be mother (due in July 5th, having a baby boy) my ex was never there for me when I was pregnant all he did was put me down, blame me for getting pregnant and hardly ever contacted me, and sometimes when I would go over to his house he would sometimes force me to have sex with him while I was pregnant if I didn’t he would get upset sometimes I would just submit myself to him, just to make him happy now that I think more and more about it it makes me sad but also feel glad, I’m glad that I left for me and my son he still tries to control me even though we are not together such as him wanting to name the baby after him while I want Draven I’m still going through hell with him hopefully it gets better 🙂

  156. Anonymous says:

    Very helpful very informative.. it’s explains so important issues … I really learned a lot.. it’s supportive and very clear in taking any decisions… to get the decision it’s very helpful.. thanks

  157. Amy says:

    My fiancé whom I live with said this to me at 1:00 am after my dog peed in his crocs. This is not the first time the dog has done this, and I’ve done what I can with the dog. He told me you are just like Bobby (my Maltese), you piss on everyone that cares about you. You are gross and disgusting, admit it. You are. Then proceeded to tell me that you got what you wanted today ( he booked a trip for my 50th), your just a user -he told me he wanted to do this. I think this is just nuts, who talks like that

  158. Alice says:

    I feel so sad reading these comments. My situation is more that I receive constant mild sarcasm from my partner, often in front of our four year old, but its so passive aggressive that so far our son doesn’t see any wrong in it or notice anything (though presumably will when he is older). Its a kind of daily belittling. In the past our relationship was worse, but we tried hard for our child to get along better with each other. Now its become this. So it feels like lots of little things that chip away at me, mostly making me embarrassed for us, embarrassed for myself who would never have put up with it. Yet it doesn’t seem so bad when looked at one by one, as nothing is actually upsetting for our child – yet. Its the ‘yet’ that makes me think about the future and thinking about living separately. My fear with that is that somehow things could be worse? As in my partner could react with such bad behaviour that my child IS upset. We broke up for a while before getting back together and having a baby and he was quite difficult to deal with. Its bearable at the moment but needs to improve. He doesn’t seem to have any social contacts aboard from his family. His upbringing was the opposite of molly coddled however, as this article depicts.

  159. Joyce says:

    Awesome help from Dr.Mac@yahoo. com.. He helped me restore my relationship just in 3 days.

  160. Jimena says:

    On point! Wow

  161. Elena says:

    Very good and helpful info. “Coffee clutching” should be “kaffee klatsching. ” it is German

  162. Anonymous says:

    I am living it right now – we are not married legally but we live together and when i move to live with him everything was so fast he was sweet and nice he is 13 older than me and both of us wanted a baby so bad – i get pregnant and everything start to be nightmare when he find out I was pregnant from lil girl bc he wanted a boy! He was 1 week without talk or sleep at my side after my delivery he was in the hospital and leave fast – he started telling me I needed to lose weight soon – it’s really sad to hear things like that and to feel unloved – now he call me stupid, scream hard and call me bitch on front of my daughter she is 1 and doesn’t Understand but it is killing me inside and I am afraid and feel all that he call me: looser, stupid… I don’t know what to do anymore I am afraid to make my daughter life hard without his daddy at her side it make me weak and sentimental I wish I could have a help , someone to talk and make me feel stronger to leave him

  163. Anonymous says:

    Hello,
    I’m currently in a verbally abusive relationship and I need help. Where do I even begin? I’m a 45 year old woman, I’m in a relationship with a man. He doesn’t seem to care about me or my well being and he doesn’t seem to love me (at least not anymore). He constantly criticizes me on everything, such as my driving, my communication skills, my cooking. He says I’m complacent, inconsiderate, selfish, and intrusive. He always wants me to agree with him on every issue, even if he’s wrong. If I have a difference of opinion or if I disagree with him, instead of accepting it, he says I’m “pushing back.” He’s never interested in what I have to say, he wants to control the conversation all the time. When my mother became ill in 11/2016 and when she died on 12/4/2016, he showed very little support (I’m still grieving). He was still verbally abusive to me. When he wasn’t there, he would text me about every subject and he never asked how I or my sister was doing and he never asked about my mother. He works out of town a lot and every time I dread him coming home because I know what the outcome will be. He blames me for his unhappiness and the hard life he had prior to us dating. He never apologizes for his actions and he refuses to go to couples therapy with me because he insists “there’s nothing wrong with him. He has made me feel completely worthless, he makes me tired, and I’m so stressed out. I want to break up with him but I’m afraid.

    Please help,

    Anonymous

    • John Smith says:

      Just leave and file for divorce. As a man he probably doesn’t want to be married and you leaving would be the best for both of you.

  164. D says:

    I can’t leave…I can’t support myself my kids and need his insurance. He said he take the house so I wouldn’t have it ..I couldn’t afford it anyway…lol. He would throw me under the bus in a heartbeat. I’ve begged him to treat me like a stranger or his friend but he said no. I’m slowly deteriorating…I don’t know where to go for help. He says it’s in my head.

  165. Erica Telfer says:

    I’ve been searching for years, couldn’t put my finger on it, then two weeks ago I got on google and there it was…! A full description of the man I know.

  166. Car says:

    Wow were you talking about my husband of 34 years ? We stayed together for financial reasons and to see our children finish college. I pity him, dislike who is is and can’t figure out why I can’t leave. There’s always an excuse as to why I stay. For newly married woman encountering this situation ,get counseling as fast as you can.

  167. Kev Mar says:

    Looks like you are talking about me.Iv’e been an out and out bas##rd to my wife and family,but realise it has to stop.

  168. John Smith says:

    My wife read this and emailed it to me stating that it’s me to the tee. However, though I have notice some similarities and yes I do feel I am insecure. The article actually describes my wife who has physicall assaulted me threatened suicide to where I had to rush home to check on her and uses articles such as these to support the way she thinks supporting what I believe is abuse and making my situation worse. Do you people ever consider the harm your doing when you post article defining abusive patterns which you clearly assigned as a mans. My wife is convinced this is me and is totally unable to see her part in the problems.

  169. Cindy says:

    I’m married to a man that does all of the above .. blames me for his sucky life , him not working in over a year etc.. He’s a very angry person and gets mad over every thing , calls me names , told me just a few minutes ago he couldn’t stand to hear me talk . It breaks my heart that I could love or even be married to someone like this .. one minute I’m the worst thing that ever happened to him the next a blessing from god .

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